My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Go to BabaMail
