What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
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