Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
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