Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy? Wife: Neither. I only like you.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video. He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose. I shouldn't have named two.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A boy has SWAG. A man has STYLE. A gentleman has CLASS.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept. Why are women so irritable? Because men are so irritating.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.