How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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