For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose. I shouldn't have named two.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Love is blind. Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning. No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor? A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible? Who cares?
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I don't know, it's never happened.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man? Visit the closest mental hospital.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy? Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”? He probably lies about other stuff too.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video. He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How are splinters better than a man? Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.