What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
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