Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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