What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why do women take baths to relax? Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
How are splinters better than a man? Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man? A knife has a point.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I don't know, it's never happened.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball? A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor? A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.