My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.