Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
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