When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.