A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
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