Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are molesters, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
Two Priests Go to Hawaii
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father - Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, I'm afraid you’re not.”
Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.”
He saunters back into the bar with both priests. As he comes in, the bartender looks up, sees the drunk and groans: “Oh Jesus Christ, YOU'RE back again?!”