Duck

The Vet's Bill
The Vet's Bill A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?
She was trying to catch some fowl balls.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.