What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.