How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.