Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.