The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!