How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.