Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”