Three older gentlemen sat down at the park for a conversation.
"There's no worse age than 70," says the youngest, "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you try and try and nothing comes out!"
"That's nothing," said the 80-year-old, "80 is a much worse age. You can't even do your business anymore. You take laxatives then sit on the toilet for hours waiting for something to come out!"
"Actually," said the oldest one, "90 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Not really. I pee every morning like clockwork at 6:00am."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 80-year-old.
"Not at all, I do my business every day promptly at 6:30am."
The 70-year-old looked at him funny. "Let me get this straight, you pee at 6am and you crap at 6:30am? So what's the problem?"
"I don't get up until 7:00."
A young woman is travelling in Rome for the first time. Feeling a pull toward the grandeur of a beautiful cathedral, she decided to step in and admire the stained glass windows she had heard so much about. As she approached the entrance, a kindly but stern-looking priest emerged.
"Excuse me, Miss," he said, raising a hand to stop her. "I’m afraid I can’t let you enter dressed like that."
The young woman tilted her head in confusion. "Like what?" she asked. "My dress is modest."
The priest hesitated, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Well, it's not the dress itself, it's just that you are not wearing a bra. I can't let you in like that."
"Seriously?" Said the woman angrily, "I have a divine right!"
"A divine left, too, Miss," the priest replied "but you still can’t come in."
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .
"Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
A man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, "Try our Exotic Breakfast now" so he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The man asks, "What's your Exotic Breakfast?"
"Baked tongue of chicken," she proudly replies
The man shouts, "Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I'd never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!
Urrghhh!!"
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, "No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?"
The man says, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.
A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same.
He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.
But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.
The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."
A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner.
“The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I'm super busy at work right now.”
The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing - on a tightrope! Can you imagine?”
“Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time."
The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha.
The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose.
“Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won't be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
A blind man is unafraid to travel and experience new things around the world. Eventually, his travels take him to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is huge!”
“EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!” says the bellhop cheerfully.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are enormous!”
The bartender disclaims: “EVERYTHING is big in Texas!”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and the poor guy falls right in.
The few swimmers there were shocked when a man suddenly popped his head up from under the water flailing his arms and screaming, “Don’t flush, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!”
In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 50 years.” Said the old man.
“50 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“Well, I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up wise, in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
An old miser was close to dying. Due to his terrible cheapness, he had no friends nor family.
Just before he died, he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.
"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said.
"I have $90,000 cash hidden underneath my mattress. It's in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in."
Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw their envelope into the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." He looked ashamed.
The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don't see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount."
Steve from Texas is waiting for his big surgery, when his anesthesiologist walks into the room with his equipment.
Steve swallows nervously and asks: "Excuse me, would you mind explaining to me how you'll put me under? This is my first time."
"Oh sure," said the anesthesiologist kindly, "Don't worry, I only use the best drugs and I have lots of experience measuring just the right amount. You won't feel a thing and will wake up with no side effects at all."
"Oh," breathed Steve, "that's awesome, thanks Doc!"
"Sure," said the doctor, "by the way, are you insured with any of our..."
"Ah, no." Said Steve, "I don't have insurance."
"Ah, I see." says the anesthesiologist and begins to sing: "Twinkle twinkle little star..."
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"
A nun, sister Sarah, wakes up one morning feeling great, she gets out of bed and decides to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," to which sister Jane answers, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed this morning sister."
Puzzled, sister Sarah did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She's passing by the garden when she runs into sister Roberta and says, "Good morning sister Roberta hope you're having a great day!"
Sister Roberta answers, "Good morning sister Sarah, I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed today."
Sarah was now really anxious to know why everybody she meets keeps saying that when she feels so great, and so she decides to go and see mother superior, who was in her office. She enters and asks mother superior, "Holy mother, everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, but I feel great!"
The mother superior replies: "That's because you have brother John's shoes on."
General Motors, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that bloody slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "That was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, "What do you want? Here's $10. Leave us alone."
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something."
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
As Mrs. Jones went to the market, she realized upon arriving that she had lost her purse somewhere along the way.
Feeling very upset, she started to walk back in the scant hope that it will still be where she dropped it.
However, after 2 minutes, a boy comes running at her, holding her purse in his hands.
"Is this yours, lady?" He cries at her
"Yes it is!" She cried in joy. She was so happy she hugged the boy and opened the purse to see everything was there.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”
The boy replied, “Well, the last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward...”
Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn’t stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my Albert died some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!"
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady:" Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer."
Defense Attorney: "And did he?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, “April Fools!”
And that’s when I shot the bastard."
I went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
The wife looked at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
"Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
A college student wrote a letter home:
'Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.
I feel ashamed and unhappy.
I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son,
Marvin
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.
I wanted to take this letter and burn it.
I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.'
A few days later, he received a letter from his father:
'Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!'
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
--------------------------
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
--------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.
--------------------------
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!
--------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.
"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
"Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.
She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
"The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have intercourse for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
"Because I didn't feel a thing."
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in...
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DARN EGGS"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs!"
The husband simply smiles, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like to be driving with you in the car."
A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty.
As he snuck behind the guard, he couldn't help but notice the guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying. "I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again!" He moaned. "Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore!" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.
The burglar could easily sneak past, but found himself feeling bad for the guard. Instead of proceeding with his plan, the burglar's sympathy for the guard got the better of him. He marched right down to the museum curator's office and kicked in the door.
There sat the director of the museum, the head of HR, and the head of security in a meeting.
"What are you doing here? How did you get pass the guard?!?" shouted the museum director.
"Gentlemen," said the burglar, "I'm afraid you've let your guard down."
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came into his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me??" asked the man.
"Well... no." The doctor replied. "But it's the only food we can get under the door."
A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark.
A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous.
He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"
Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.
The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favorite!
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.
A young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
An old man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried my weapons.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any weapons, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a really good dentist, How did you figure THAT out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other:
“Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains.
You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I had done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.
A rope walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at it and immediately says, “Get out. We don’t serve ropes here.”
The rope is understandably offended and says, “What? Why??”
The bartender shakes his head. “I’m sorry, but your kind have been too much trouble in the past. One of our staff getting accidentally hanged was the last straw. It’s nothing personal, but you have to leave.”
The rope complied, but felt very upset. He went home and talked to some friend ropes who encouraged him to stand up against the discrimination. Feeling emboldened, the rope tied himself up in various ways and pulled his ends apart until they were poofy. He was nearly unrecognizable. He walked back to the bar and confidently through the door.
The bartender peered at him with narrowed eyes. “Hey,” he said suspiciously, “aren’t you a rope?”
The rope replied, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts.
"Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large.
"Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”
The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”
The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all were quiet.
Then, slowly, a young woman stood up with her head bowed as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,
“There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!” He asks in panic.
“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?”
“We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
Unknown
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
Eleanor Roosevelt
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
Mark Twain
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
Jimmy Durante
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
Jilly Cooper
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
Spike Milligan
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.”
Mark Twain
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
Bob Hope
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
George Burns
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
Unknown
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Unknown
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
Unknown
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
Unknown
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are is the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseated from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights.
With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed on top of his wife.
He lies down and instantly passes out.
Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: "Don't go, this moron is so drunk he won't even feel me plucking a hair on his butt."
The wife does exactly that and the husband doesn't move.
Carl, now reassured, proceeds with the job.
Half an hour later Ted moves a bit, and Carl is just about to freak out, the wife stops him and plucks another hair from his buttocks.
Another hour later Carl is still going at it. After a while, just to be sure, he plucks another hair from Ted's butt.
Ted then moves around a bit and mumbles: "Look man, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but do you really need to keep score on my bum?"
It was a few days before Valentine's Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
Her husband smiled. "Oh, I have a feeling you'll know later tonight." he said with a wink.
His wife squealed with joy.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it... only to find a book titled "The meaning of dreams."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow.
The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have book club.'
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer..."
An elderly pastor was searching in his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted to having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage.
Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar."
Walking through a supermarket, a young woman noticed an old lady following him around.
She ignored her for a while, but when she got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like my daughter who died recently.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the young woman replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.” She gave her a sweet smile.
“Of course I can,” the young woman promised, touched.
As she gathered her bags and left, she called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, she saw that her total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,” she said. “I only have a few items!”
“Oh, your mother said that you'd pay for her.” explained the clerk.
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What happens if this doesn't work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILED'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel but it wouldn't even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes..."
A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.
The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.
In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.
“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.'
His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.
“87!” he replied.
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said:
The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body." while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, "Grow up!", then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no...
And the Surgeons weren't even allowed to cut in!
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. Wanting to impress her, he says: "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded.
Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know jack sh*t??"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
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