“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx