“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
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