“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
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