“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
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