“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
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