“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
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