"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
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