Hand Jokes

Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Can I hold your hand?
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.

Not so fast
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
With a tall friend, you can swim as far as you want in the river for you will be at his hand when in danger.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Turkey, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
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