Doctors

As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
10 More Hilarious Murphy's Laws
10 More Hilarious Murphy's Laws Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favourite! Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"

The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."