Wrong

How to Return a Shirt
How to Return a Shirt I went with a friend to buy a grey cotton sweatshirt. I bought one but when I got home I noticed a little rip in the left sleeve. I showed it to my friend who encouraged me to return it. Would you believe, when I got to the store, the salesperson said "I'm sorry. This isn't the sweatshirt you purchased. Our records indicate that the sweatshirt you bought was 80% rayon and polyester. We can't take back this cotton one." "I'm afraid you're wrong", said I, smiling at my friend, who had been with me through the whole affair. "I did indeed purchase a cotton sweatshirt." I pointed to my friend. "This is my material witness".
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.
I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.

“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies,” Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”

In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”