A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks. “It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone. Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number. “Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone. “You need all the practice you can get!”
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies,” Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!” “How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her. “I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!” Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?” “It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde. The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
A blond was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?" The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
How to Return a Shirt
I went with a friend to buy a grey cotton sweatshirt.
I bought one but when I got home I noticed a little rip in the left sleeve. I showed it to my friend who encouraged me to return it.
Would you believe, when I got to the store, the salesperson said "I'm sorry. This isn't the sweatshirt you purchased. Our records indicate that the sweatshirt you bought was 80% rayon and polyester. We can't take back this cotton one."
"I'm afraid you're wrong", said I, smiling at my friend, who had been with me through the whole affair. "I did indeed purchase a cotton sweatshirt." I pointed to my friend.
"This is my material witness".
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.