"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
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