"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
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