"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
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