"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
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