"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."