"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
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