"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."