"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Time wounds all heels."
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