"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
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