"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
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