"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Time wounds all heels."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
Go to BabaMail
