There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!" The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
There once was a child in Spain. Who loved to play in the rain. One day he tripped. And broke his hip. Now he is in serious pain.
How to Escape Hell
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed off about it.
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”
Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with.”
The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.
The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.
Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”
The boulder immediately splits in half.
“Oh no way. Forget about it.” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”
Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”
The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.
“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with
“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”
“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”
The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.
Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”
Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. He gets up, in pain but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, good job, I guess. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”
The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain? It’s a site for sore eyes.
God and the Lazy Pigs
God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?"
One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Nah, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage.
"Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last."
The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list.
"Next up, we have wings, who wants to fly?" The first pig says: "Wow, we've got to get THAT one! We could fly all day?" The second pig says: "Exactly, fly around all day, beat your wings all the time? That sounds exhausting, you'd have to fly for hours beating your wings like mad to stay aloft. No thank you! Let's wait for the really good stuff."
God looks at his list, getting to the end. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed...
Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
The Dentist and the Viagra
The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle. The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
The Hunter and the Bear Trap
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature.
Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "Second worst pain in my life."
"SECOND worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor? "You're a real pain."
Feeling Like a Baby
Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other:
“Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains.
You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye. The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Stinging an Idiot
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
"Which one?" the doctor.
"How am I supposed to know? All the bees look the same to me!"
My wife screamed in pain during labor. I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
The Weirdest Pain
For years Frank's knees or elbows would start to ache at 8:50am and 8:50pm.
At first he thought nothing of it....he was getting older and he figured it was all part of aging. After about 5 years Frank got concerned and starting seeing doctor after doctor trying to figure out what what was causing it.
Desperate he started looking to alternative medicine...no help...he started seeing doctors running pill mills...no help. The pain would come back twice a day every day.
At his wits' end he goes and sees a doctor in a filthy clinic. This doctor had been suspended many times, sued and lost every lawsuit, but Frank was losing hope for a diagnosis.
Sitting on an exam table in a thin paper exam gown, Frank tells the sleazy doctor.. "Every day, every day at 8:50 I'm in pain....the best doctors in the state cannot figure out what the cause is."
The sleazy doctor sitting there in his stained lab coat....filter-less cigarette dangling from his mouth looks up and down at Frank and finally says: "It's simple. You have ten-to-ninetis."