Doctor Puns

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Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.

Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!

Doctor 2: No, it is.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
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