A patient who needs a heart transplant suddenly gets a phone call from his surgeon.
"You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart."
"Are you sure??" Asks the surgeon in surprise.
"Yea, I'd rather have one that hasn't been used."
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent. He was dead on a rival.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped, Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack? Michael flatline.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it. He was gung hoe.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart? His chest.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What does a pirate with heart failures need? Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart? It went into kodiak arrest.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently. A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
One or two hours warm my heart, But 24 hours make my day.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart. Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain. She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.
Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.
The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry"
The three men all nodded.
"I tell you what, I was about to start eating this camel. I'll share it with you"
The three men soon started arguing about who gets what when one of them chimes in with a "Alright guys, how about this? Whatever football team we support dictates what part of the camel we can have."
So he goes "Well, I support Liverpool."
So he got the liver
"I support Hartlepool." said the second man.
So he got the heart.
The last guy said "I support Arsenal but I'm not hungry."