I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license!
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''
An 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room.
A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies proudly.
"Congratulations," the nurse replies. "Well..." says the old man, "the old engine still runs!"
Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes" the old man answers. "Well done" the nurse answers. "The engine still runs!" said the old man.
After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes," the old man replies. "Congratulations," the nurse says, "that's really impressive."
"Well..." says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!"
"Well... says the nurse, "you may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren.
"I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!"
The second old lady said "Oh I too send checks to my grandchildren and they visit me all the time!"
"You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own." said the first one sadly.
The second old lady smiled: "No my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours."
"So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?" Asked the first one, surprised.
"No," chuckled the other old lady, "I just don't sign mine."
It was a man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift.
Since he was a widower of many years, and after some discussion, they decide to have a hooker come to his house that night and give him the time of his life.
Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring.
He opens the door and sees a hooker standing there in a sexy outfit. She says to the senior: "Hi there, I'm here to give you super sex!"
The old man thinks for a moment... then says: "I'll take the soup".
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."
"C'mon man.... give it a try... " She says.
Old man says okay. They go in. The moment they get to the bed, the old timer becomes a machine and makes passionate love to her an hour straight.
When he's done, the prostitute catches her breath. Exhausted and tired she says, "But you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you." completed the old man.
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”
I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”
Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.
My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”
My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature!
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
Two senior gentlemen are working at a sewage treatment plant.
One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in!" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!" his friend said worriedly.
"No, no. Gosh no!" Says the old man to the relief of his friend.
"I have to get it back though. My teeth are in the pocket!"
A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...
One afternoon early into the first semester, a group of loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”
The boys were more than happy and continued to bang on the bins every day on their walk home.
After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?"
"That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions:
Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Three old guys were out walking.
First one said, "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!"
The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car. Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove through a red light."
A few minutes later, they drove through another red light. The passenger was almost certain that the light had been red but was still slightly concerned that she might be going mad, so she decided to give the driver one last chance.
As they were approaching the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention. This time the lights were certainly red, yet just as before they just sped past.
"Susan!" the passenger yelled. "Do you know we just ran 3 red lights in a row? We could have been killed!"
"Oh, am I driving?" came the reply.