A man decides he wants to fish. Unfortunately, his favorite spot became illegal to fish in. Undeterred, he fishes for 2 hours, and at this point, he already has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing.
Out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him:
"You know you can’t fish here, right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”
The man hides the pole and replies:
“Oh no no those are my pet fish. I just come here every week or so drop them in the pond, and once they are done swimming they jump back in and I go home.”
At this point the officer smirks, he knows he’s lying, so he says:
"Well then show me, if you can truly show me that they will do that then I’ll let you go.”
The man agrees and dumps the fish into the pond,
A few minutes pass...
“So when are the fish jumping back in the bucket?” Asks the officer smugly.
“What fish?" says the man.
Why was the penguin so annoying? Because he was always fishing for complements.
The Rules of the Marriage
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?" The guy said, "Can you hold the line?" I"No."
A Telling Phone Call
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi...
I'm so glad that you called...
Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time...
Oh, that sounds terrific..Love you too.
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook? I guess that’s debaitable.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Bubba and His Wife Go Fishing
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"
"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."
"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"
While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,
“There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!” He asks in panic.
“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?”
“We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine. I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
The Old Man and the Puddle
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks.
The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. As he crossed the street, he noticed a ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
His curiosity piqued, he stopped next to the old man and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing." The old man said simply without looking at George.
"Poor old fool." George thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "Well... how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth."
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer.
“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?”
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie. Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’
So, boys, here I am!”
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says, "There are no fish down there."
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say, "There's no fish down there."
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says, "There's no fish down there."
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," says the voice. "It's the rink manager."
A newlywed fisherman's wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops beside her.
"Good morning, ma'am, what are you doing?"
"I'm reading a book." Answered the surprised woman. "Couldn't he see that?" She thought...
"I'm afraid this is a no fishing area." The officer notified her.
"I'm sorry officer but I'm not fishing, I'm clearly reading."
"Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I'm going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint."
"OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!"
"But.." splattered the surprised officer, "I never touched you!"
"Yes that's true," replied the woman, "but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment..."
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?"
"Well, it went like this. First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"So let me get this straight." Said the astounded manager. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Friend, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was promptly greeted by the wail of a siren and flashing lights.
Cursing his luck, the man immediately knew what was coming, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The officer got out of his cruiser, as calm as can be, and walked over to the man's car.
He handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *only I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".
"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.
The officer replied: "I'm so sorry, but someone stabbed your husband and threw his corpse in the harbor."
The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"
He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"
Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"
The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
Why Fishing is Better Than Dating
Why is FISHING better than DATING?
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie at the minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.