What do you call a flying monkey? A hot air baboon.
Air Force General and a Dramatic Boy
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
A professional poker player dies and his spirit passes into the afterlife.
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.
Drawing on his experience, the poker player immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...
"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The poker player asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."
The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the poker player begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.
"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the poker player remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.
Next, the poker player taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.
"This one's easy!" the poker player smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"
Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.
Riding the high of a hot streak, the poker player wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.
"Okay, let's see..." The poker player studies the new mark carefully. He's a large imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.
The poker player holds his hand out like a gun. "You'll never take me alive!"
The man shakes his head. Wrong. The experienced poker player strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.
The poker player holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "F*** the Police!"
Wrong again. The poker player's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.
Finally, the poker player throws his hands in the air in pure frustration. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"
The man steps aside.
A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to wash the dust of the road off of him. He gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, pounds the floor with his foot 3 times. All those present stop and stare at him silently.
"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right outside and I need to go to perform my ablutions right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don't let it happen here, hear?"
Without uttering another word, the cowboy walks to the washing room and closes the door. Every single person in there starts talking among them and asking 'what was it that happened in Texas?' non-stop without getting an answer from anybody. The bartender certainly didn't know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there.
The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost starts panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there. They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes. The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy.
Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt. The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit. He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction.
"Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows."
Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him.
"Sir," the guy says in haste, "you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you were in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?"
"Well my horse got stolen," the cowboy said thoughtfully, "I had to go and buy another one."
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in IT," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner - it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office...
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
The First Text Message
Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Text Message
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.
He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running... And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"
And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you've doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"
And the man thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."
And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air? A quick pick-me-up.
Is That Really Conway Twitty?!
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first doorbell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. He paused for a moment, then said, “Why, hello dear..."
A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you."
Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.
Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car.
The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?"
"I am your guardian angel!" Answers the voice joyfully.
"REALLY??" says the man in sudden anger, "Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??"
The army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through lots of retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone.
In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.
He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God man!" he said, "where are your testicles??"
"Vietnam," smiled the general.
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it, then leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
When the american said: "Did you know that our air force is so big, that when all our planes are out flying. We can't even see the sun!"
"That's nothing!" scoffed the Englishman. "Our Navy is so huge, that if we line up all our boats we can walk on a straight line all the way from England to America without getting wet feet.
After a short while the African said: "One day when I was taking a piss in the forest, 14 crows landed on my penis... At the same time."
That was when they all realized that maybe, just maybe... They all over exaggerated .
The American admitted: "Well, maybe we do see the sun shining through...".
And Englishman answered: "And we actually have to swim a bit to reach the american shoreline..."
And the African said: "And those 14 crows... Well, they were sitting pretty close together."
A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season.
"Godda**it," the hunter muttered.
Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air!
No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth.
As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden.
Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak.
Then, from above him, a voice boomed:
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Russia vs. USA Wrestling
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk."
A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine." the blond chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."
"Uh, ma'am?", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
You may have heard of the best kept secret of the US army - the infamous area 51 in Nevada, where secret operations are conducted.
It was late afternoon when Air Force spotted a Cessna airplane landing right at area 51. Perplexed, they immediately seized the pilot and dragged him into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The pilot and a sour, angry looking woman.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "I know I shouldn't be here again, and you can do anything you want to me, but please, please, will you tell my wife that I actually DID spend last night in area 51!"
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
The Redneck and the Gator
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.
Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally, the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something - you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
'I want the name of the summamabich that pushed me in the pool!'
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.
He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
As this was going on, an angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away! A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited, his mouth open in shock.
The angel was a little shocked as well. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it... who is he going to tell?!?"
A wife is having an affair with a young man, unbeknownst to her husband. The young man makes tremendous love, her husband couldn’t hold a candle to this young man’s abilities. His stamina is never-ending, he’s like a machine in bed. When the affair started the wife and the young man used to keep it strictly between the time her husband was at work but she longed for more.
Eventually they came up with a solution of making a hole on her side of the bed. This way he could make endless passionate love to her from underneath the bed even while her husband home. Things were going great until the wife couldn’t keep quiet during intercourse, constantly moaning.
“Aaaah, aah, aah.”
All the while her husband was lying right next to her. When her husband inquired about this sound, she said it was the air conditioner malfunctioning. The husband became extremely irritated at this sound and told his wife to smack the unit around to quiet it down, as the AC was on her side of the bed.
They continued this secret affair for a while before the husband had had enough of this broken AC and his wife’s refusal to try and fix it in the night. So the next night when they were about to go to bed, the husband lay down on the wife’s side of the bed, so he could try and fix the AC when it started malfunctioning again. The wife reluctantly agreed, she was sure the young man underneath the bed would realize what had happened and just remain still for tonight. She was awakened in the middle of the night from sounds coming from her husband's side of the room.
“Uhhhhh, uhhhh, uuuhhhh...”
Concerned she asked her profusely sweating husband, “Is everything alright?”
“It’s just this darn A/C unit.”
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
From Work to Worse
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor.
The nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.
Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself.
The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."
A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man...
The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says:
"Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead, when she comes in she will see our 'lifeless' bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her." The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse.
The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out: "Darling, you can come out! They're both dead!"
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the police station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah - L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leaped up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.”
"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British."
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole darn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, which wasn't very good at all.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining."
A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.
"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"
The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement.
She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.
The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"
"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men - are always MEN!
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming!" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.
They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified.
I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard.
I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him."
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life."
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sat on a chair, With his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
There was an old man in a tree, Whose whiskers were lovely to see; But the birds of the air, Pluck'd them perfectly bare, To make themselves nests on that tree.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose, Most birds of the air could repose; But they all flew away At the closing of day, Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
There once was a young man called Kyle, who worked at the circus a while. He flew through the air, with hardly a care, and that's why his body's in a pile.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet, Came untied when the birds sate upon it; But she said: 'I don't care! All the birds in the air Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
There once was a lad from West Philly Who played basketball and got silly He fought with some brothers Which worried his mother Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top, Tiny tummies would be liking it lots. Any fruit flavour For all to savour. Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops. Lolly licky-lick With a zingy twist. Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf, Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat, A smooth, silky, treat In a chocy feast. If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew. Be nimble, be quick; Remember the trick. Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops. Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got. There are enough treats For all down the streets, So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
Just Kept Walking
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, "Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.
"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the woman, drunk as a skunk, chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the drunk began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”
“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off. “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles - that was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
A man named Jack strides into John’s Stable looking to buy a horse.
“Listen here,” says John, the owner. “I’ve got just the horse you're looking for. The only thing is he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t stop and go the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to yell 'heyhey!', and the way to get him to go is by yelling 'Thank God!'"
Jim nodded his head.
“Fine with me. Can I take him for a test run?”
John agrees. A few minutes later, Jim is having the time of his life, thinking to himself that the horse sure could run fast. As he speeds down a dirt road, he panics as he realizes there's a cliff-edge fast approaching.
"Stop!" screams Jim, to no avail.
He remembers what he has to say to make the horse stop just five feet from the edge and yells: "HEYHEY!"
The horse skids to a halt, with just an inch to spare before a sheer drop of hundreds of feet.
Gasping, Jim looks over the cliff-edge in disbelief at his good fortune.
He looks up to the sky, raises his hands in the air and breathes a deep sigh of relief.
"Oh," he says, relieved. "Thank God!"
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever made love to a woman.
"Tarzan not know lovemake." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for??!!"
"Always check for squirrel."
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey." "Some parts are missing."
What Goes Up Must Come Down
A man is going skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic but remembers his backup chute.
He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
As the other man gets near, the skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible.
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
There once were two very successful thieves. They had a knack for finding unguarded entries to rich houses and robbing them of their gold.They were both, however, devout Catholics, and they knew the 10 commandments. So after deliberating the issue, they decided to go to the church with their loot to confess their sins to the Lord. After staring at the grim, seemingly judging faces of the saints surrounding them in the church, they further decided to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings.
The only problem was they couldn't decide how much to offer.
The first one thinks for a minute, then draws a foot long circle on the floor.
He lifts his face up and says, "Oh lord, I'll throw all my loot into the air, whatever lands inside the circle is yours and what little is left outside I'll keep for myself."
Saying this he threw all his loot up in the air. As it came down almost all of the gold fell outside the circle except for few coins. He praises the Lord for his generosity and collects his share smiling.
The second one steps back and thinks hard.
He lets out a deep sigh and says, "Oh lord! Forgive me for my sins. I won't make you pick up your share from the floor like my friend. I'll throw up all my loot towards you in the heavens. Please keep whatever you want and just throw back on to this earth whatever you think I deserve."
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Blonde vs. Lawyer
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar.
The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.
Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.
After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the bar stool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender took one look at this terrible state, lifted an eyebrow and said, "So, how did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best lovemaking I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Then why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey, between the kissing and the lovemaking I must have run 10 miles!"
Little Suzie walks in on her parents making love.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.
"Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
"Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out."
The little girl starts laughing.
"What's so funny hunny?" asks her mother.
"You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!"