LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.
ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone.
CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes.
The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings.
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil?? Aisle B, back.
The Priest's Theory
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'
The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'
Liam replies, 'No, Father. I need to clarify something.'
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Liam. What is it?'
Liam asks, 'Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.'
The Priest smiles and replied, 'Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself...
"I'LL ALTER HIM."
man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"