"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in IT," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."