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IT vs. Management
IT vs. Management A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in IT," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."
They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.