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Ground

Clever Jokes
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Coffee Puns
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
The Telephone Pole
The Telephone Pole Three technicians guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm gonna give you 1 day to impress me - set as many telephone poles as you can and report back tomorrow." They all three go to work setting poles and return the next day into the boss' office. The boss asks one by one how many they set. The first guy set 13, "Wow, 13 - that is impressive!" the boss tells him happily. The second guy set 9. "Well," said the boss, "not as good as the first guy but still it is impressive." He turns to the third guy. "How many did you set?" The boss asks. "Two." the man replies triumphantly, his blond hair waving in the wind. "TWO?? That's it?!?" The manager was shocked. "That's barely any! What were you doing all day?" "Well, I didn't want to have to be a snitch... but these other guys? They only put theirs halfway in the ground!"
Food puns
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Yo Mama So Stupid
Yo Mama so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed.
A Duel For Love
A Duel For Love A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man... The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says: "Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead, when she comes in she will see our 'lifeless' bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her." The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse. The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out: "Darling, you can come out! They're both dead!"
Blond Jokes
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
One Liners and Short Jokes
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Puns
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Water Puns
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
The Remakrable Native American
The Remakrable Native American Many years ago, two cowboys come upon a Native American lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Native American looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Remarkable!" The Native looks up weakly and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Funny Limericks
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Dirty Short Jokes
A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert...
After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"

"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"

The Indian replies...

"Sticky face"
One Liners for Kids
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Squirrel Puns
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
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