Ground

Wanna play war? I'll lay on the ground and you blow the f*ck outta me.
The Telephone Pole
The Telephone Pole Three technicians guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm gonna give you 1 day to impress me - set as many telephone poles as you can and report back tomorrow." They all three go to work setting poles and return the next day into the boss' office. The boss asks one by one how many they set. The first guy set 13, "Wow, 13 - that is impressive!" the boss tells him happily. The second guy set 9. "Well," said the boss, "not as good as the first guy but still it is impressive." He turns to the third guy. "How many did you set?" The boss asks. "Two." the man replies triumphantly, his blond hair waving in the wind. "TWO?? That's it?!?" The manager was shocked. "That's barely any! What were you doing all day?" "Well, I didn't want to have to be a snitch... but these other guys? They only put theirs halfway in the ground!"
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
The Remakrable Native American
The Remakrable Native American Many years ago, two cowboys come upon a Native American lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Native American looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Remarkable!" The Native looks up weakly and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
In on the ground flora.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”

- Paul Reiser.
When you sneeze, your head hits the ground.
I heard short people hear what the ancestors are saying since they are so close to the ground.
Short people tend to get angry quickly because they are so close to the ground their anger does not dissipate quickly.
A Duel For Love
A Duel For Love A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man... The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says: "Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead, when she comes in she will see our 'lifeless' bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her." The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse. The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out: "Darling, you can come out! They're both dead!"
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)
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