How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Go to BabaMail
