Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
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