Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.