I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
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