I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
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