Birth Jokes

The Miracle Child A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do. Long About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try.” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
From Work to Worse I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor. The nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Baby, your birth certificate is really just an apology from the condom factory.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
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