What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.