Knife Jokes

The Statsitician It was a dark winter night, and among the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club's bouncer was surprised to see a man in an expensive suit and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Sir, are you lost?" asked the doorman. "Oh, I'm the statistician." came the reply. "Then, what are you here for?" With an unsettling grin, the statistician pulls out a knife. "Oh, just standard deviation."
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Man vs. Ape One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape. Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape. Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking. Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of him. A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction. When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone. "Mr. Smith, my name is Albert. I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked." "I....don't know. I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements." "I need to know exactly what you did." "Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head. When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds." "OK, then what happened?" "Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember." "You scratched you chin??? Oh that explains everything! You see, in Ape, that means 'Screw you!'. Thank Goodness, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to put him down." So the zookeeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone else's help. It wears on a man. So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that darned ape. He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives. He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker. "Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him. He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage. When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly. Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his genitals in his other hand. Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half. Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... when he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.
The Knife Juggler A man was pulled over by a police officer. As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?" Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them." Realizing the officer was giving him a skeptical look the driver said, "Sir, with your permission I'd be more than glad to give you a demonstration." Cautiously the officer stepped back and said "Alright, but you'd better be telling the truth." A few seconds later, the man was on the side of the road tossing the knives high into the air with ease as the police officer watched, mesmerized. Two old men happened to drive by and both gazed in astonishment. The one looked at the other and said "Sure glad I gave up drinking, these sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!"
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