A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the fellow is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: "Why the black underwear?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with this ... a black condom?"
"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a gorgeous woman kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "Hi there. You know, you and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at a Home Depot, sir."
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.
They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
At my first job I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried being a tailor,
but I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind.
Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I tried working in a deli,
but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was as a musician,
but I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied for a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, but I just didn't fit in.
After that, I became a fisherman,
but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company,
but the work was too draining.
So after that I got a job at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian,
but I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory,
but that was too exhausting.
So, I tried retirement!
And I Found I'm PERFECT For the Job!
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" He asked, surprised.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Margaret was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertaker's to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She said to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
You May Be Old If...
You may be getting older if...
When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.
"And that, your honor, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room."
One night a man was walking back to his apartment when he was set upon by a masked robber.
Although he wasn’t exactly a martial arts specialist, he immediately decided to fight back.
With arms flailing about, the two men engaged in a fierce battle that saw them rolling about on the sidewalk in full view of passers-by, kicking and spitting and screaming in rage.
Despite putting up a tremendous fight, the man was eventually overpowered by the robber and pinned down. He raised in hands in tired defeat, and the robber wearily turned him around and searched his pockets for the treasure he defended so strongly. He searched the man everywhere, but he found nothing more than a single quarter.
“Hey man, did you put up such a crazy fight just for that?” asked the robber, gasping for breath.
“You can't have it!” shouted the man.
“You’re a crazy person, get lost,” said the bewildered robber.
"Oh, you just want the quarter... I thought you were after the $5000 I've got in my shoe."
Aerith and Bob were talking.
"Say, Aerith", said Bob, "do you know if anybody in the village has a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin?"
"I don't think so, no", said Aerith.
They sat in silence for a bit, before Bob said, "Are you sure? Come on, think harder. Black cat, a big one, with a white spot underneath its chin."
"I'm pretty sure there isn't a cat like that in the village", said Aerith, getting visibly annoyed.
There was another minute of silence before Bob said, "But are you really, really..."
"YES!" Aerith yelled. "I'm really, really sure! There isn't a black cat with a white spot underneath its chin anywhere in this village! Nobody has one!"
"Well, crud", said Bob and gave a mighty sigh. "Then I must've run over the priest the other day."
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie suddenly appeared.
"Noble sir," he thundered. "You have three wishes you may ask of me."
"Alright," said the government clerk. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.
“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
The Battle of the Lake
There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squire's polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom wasn't so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squire's polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and couldn't fight. The squire of the third kingdom couldn't rouse the elderly knight in time for combat.
So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
It just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
The Rich Man, the Young Man & the Apples
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"After that," the old rich man continued, "I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.
All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask.
He saw me and said: 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild fun all night!"
The married woman said: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home.
I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked. Clever clogs.
A 200mph Wedding Day
A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.
"I'll make you a deal," said the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous wife.
As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.
With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said.
Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son.
"Then what was it??"
"Well, on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black? A wasp rolling down a hill.
10 More Hilarious Murphy's Laws
Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.
The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favourite!
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded? Many soles were lost.
Half Way There
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 20 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's half as long as theirs?!?"
"No, but it's the same color."
What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino? A horse-shoe.
The Best Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
A Request for Help
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock - it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
A voice answers, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" calls the man.
"I'm over here..." replies the stranger,
"...on your swing set."
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes? They believed in Fritos.
Grounds for Divorce
A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland.
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that??"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
"Rooms cost £20 per night, we don't accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days."
"Alright then, could I get something to eat ma-"
"Kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?"
"Yes, could I please talk to George?"
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated during WWII.
One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.
The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me."
The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture."
The Italian says, "I've had it."
The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck.
Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood.
The other two ask him what happened.
"Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country,"
Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated.
Three days pass and he returns to the cell.
His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied.
"I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku."
Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life.
A whole week passes before he returns.
Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by two soldiers.
One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago. He's a real man, not like you girls."
The other two are shocked and amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break.
They ask him how he did it. He didn't strike them as so formidable.
"I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak."
"What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask.
"The bastards tied my hands behind my back!"
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the police station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah - L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leaped up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.”
"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British."
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday? It was a free for owl.
A Poker Player in the Afterlife
A professional poker player dies and his spirit passes into the afterlife.
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.
Drawing on his experience, the poker player immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...
"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The poker player asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."
The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the poker player begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.
"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the poker player remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.
Next, the poker player taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.
"This one's easy!" the poker player smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"
Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.
Riding the high of a hot streak, the poker player wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.
"Okay, let's see..." The poker player studies the new mark carefully. He's a large imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.
The poker player holds his hand out like a gun. "You'll never take me alive!"
The man shakes his head. Wrong. The experienced poker player strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.
The poker player holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "F*** the Police!"
Wrong again. The poker player's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.
Finally, the poker player throws his hands in the air in pure frustration. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"
The man steps aside.
Two Jewish men knock on Rabbi Levi's door.
"What can I do for you gentlemen?" Said the Rabbi once he opened his door.
They explain to him they have an argument and cannot resolve it. The Rabbi agrees to help them.
"What is the argument about?" he asks.
First Man: "Black is a color!"
Second Man: "NO! it is not!"
First Man: "It is a color!"
Second Man: "Rabbi, is black a color?"
"Well, sure..." Said the confused Rabbi.
First Man: "See, I told you. And so is white!"
Second Man: "White is not a color!"
First Man: "Rabbi?"
Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color."
First Man: "See? I told you Moishe, I sold you a Color TV!"
Dave the ranch hand had just finished up his work for the evening and is about to get into his car when a man dressed in black appears from the bushes with a gun in his hand.
"Give me everything you've got!" he screeches at Dave.
So Dave hands over his money and his wallet, but as the man is about to leave Dave stops him.
"Say..." he says to the robber. "Could you shoot a few bullets in my hat to make it look to my wife like I was truly afraid for my life? She'd think I spent it on booze and gambling otherwise."
The robber had a wife too so he agreed and shot a few holes in Dave's hat.
Dave then asked, "Please shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not like a coward."
The criminal sighed and shot the coat.
Then Dave said: "Can you please shoot-"
"please, no more, I'm out of bullets!" said the mugger tiredly.
"That's what I wanted to hear." Smiled Dave unpleasantly. "Now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue!"
What happens if you eat yeast and shoepolish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear? Sneak-ers.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Question: What is the oldest animal? Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white! .
An act of kindness
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!" She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" sobbed the angry wife, "but they will be your LAST words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked.
"Because that's a microwave."
An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."
The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"
The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."
"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"
In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"
Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.
"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"
A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."
The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.
The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."
"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."
The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill.
What’s black, white and red all over? A penguin with a sunburn.
Am I Losing My Mind?
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.
Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know sh*t about cars."
Shoe laces. Must attack at once. Didn't know that was you.
The Restaurant Oversight
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures,and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip." he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my
menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home... She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting blackshoepolish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
Whats black and eats pu**y? Cervical cancer.
A Blonde in Louisiana
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow."
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
True Answers About Retirement!
Question: How many days are there in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time."There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!" Groucho Marx
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Idiot
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Lunch. "I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." Danny McGorty
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday, I rest. "I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day." Gene Perret
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Those Darn Time Differences
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing anything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned and the appliances are sparkling. Even the floor was waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted and the pillows on the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? S
o he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter??!!”
“I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
Two men are standing at the urinal, doing their business, when one starts to strike up a conversation.
"Excuse me, sir, do you happen to be Jewish?"
"Yes, indeed I am."
"And do you happen to be from Krakow?"
"Yes, how do you know?"
"And you always went to the little synagogue in the Pitliwsky road?
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"No, but Rabbi Goldberg was responsible for the Bris there, and he was infamous for not being able to make a straight cut."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You're peeing on my shoes."
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
A Hard Situation
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren't. And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....
“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white? A panda rolling down a hill.
What goes white black white black white black red? A panda that falls from a cliff.
What’s black and white and yellow? A cowardly panda.
What’s black and white and bounces? A rubber panda.
What’s black and white and goes up and down? A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies? Because they are in black and white.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock? A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What’s black and white with red spots? A panda with the measles.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner? A naughty panda.
What’s black and white and very noisy? A panda with a set of drums.
What’s black and white and red all over? A sunburned panda.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk? Two pandas on holiday.
Why do pandas like old movies? Because they’re in black and white.
What’s black and white and goes round and round? A panda stuck in a revolving door.
The Creative Diseases
A man and woman were about to "get it on". After meeting at a party earlier that night.
He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,
"Oh wow, what happened to your feet??"
He replies, "Oh that. I had Tolio."
"You mean polio don't you?"
"No. It just infected my toes."
Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.
"Oh my, what happened to your knee caps?" She asks.
"Oh that. It's nothing. I once had Kneasles."
"Don't you mean measles?" She asks.
"No. The disease only attacked my knees, therefore it's called kneasles"
He begins to take off his shorts, she takes a quick look, and can't help but blurt out: "Let me guess, Smallcox?"
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!'
She always acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"
How cold IS IT?
It's so cold THAT...
The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
You have to break the smoke off your chimney.
You have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
Police tell a robber to freeze, and he really does.
Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
People look forward to getting a fever
Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins
Lady Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Prisoners are begging for the electric chair.
Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker!
A streaker froze in mid-streak!
I chipped my tooth on my soup.
Dunkin' Donuts is serving coffee on a stick.
The local flasher was seen describing himself to three different women this morning.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
I actually saw a gangsta pull his pants up.
I'm drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Ice cubes are coming out of my faucet.
Trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Cops are tasing themselves.
I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
The ice cubes in my drink have goose bumps.
When all is said and done, I'm really thankful for the HOT FLASHES!
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
Man vs. Ape
One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape. Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape.
Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking. Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of him. A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction. When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone.
"Mr. Smith, my name is Albert. I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked."
"I....don't know. I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements."
"I need to know exactly what you did."
"Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head. When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds."
"OK, then what happened?"
"Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember."
"You scratched you chin??? Oh that explains everything! You see, in Ape, that means 'Screw you!'. Thank Goodness, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to put him down."
So the zookeeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone else's help. It wears on a man. So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that darned ape.
He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives.
He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker.
"Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him. He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage.
When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly. Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his genitals in his other hand.
Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half. Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... when he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered in blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.
Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, glumly, "I didn't."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”
“Ummm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat, evil hag'."
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
What’s black and white and red all over? Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why are black people so good at basketball? Dedication and hard work.
What do you call someone who kills a black person? Murderer.
How Life Changes Over 25 Years
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
The Best Weight Loss Program
A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company, all his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old woman dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program." Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, you are mine."
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn’t hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I’ve set my body free; There’s the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be.
The inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose They’re sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses. As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, and the outside, I’m not what I used to be.
But here on the inside, I’m still the same old me!
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."