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Cut

Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident. He shouted “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms.“
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
You're so ugly after the doctor cut your cord he hung himself with it.
Do We Know Each Other?
Do We Know Each Other? Two men are standing at the urinal, doing their business, when one starts to strike up a conversation. "Excuse me, sir, do you happen to be Jewish?" "Yes, indeed I am." "And do you happen to be from Krakow?" "Yes, how do you know?" "And you always went to the little synagogue in the Pitliwsky road? "Yes, do we know each other?" "No, but Rabbi Goldberg was responsible for the Bris there, and he was infamous for not being able to make a straight cut." "What does that have to do with anything?" "You're peeing on my shoes."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self.