A blind man enters a bar, carefully, and finds his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes very, very quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond, and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
“Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Three technicians guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified.
The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm gonna give you 1 day to impress me - set as many telephone poles as you can and report back tomorrow."
They all three go to work setting poles and return the next day into the boss' office. The boss asks one by one how many they set. The first guy set 13, "Wow, 13 - that is impressive!" the boss tells him happily.
The second guy set 9. "Well," said the boss, "not as good as the first guy but still it is impressive." He turns to the third guy.
"How many did you set?" The boss asks.
"Two." the man replies triumphantly, his blond hair waving in the wind.
"TWO?? That's it?!?" The manager was shocked. "That's barely any! What were you doing all day?"
"Well, I didn't want to have to be a snitch... but these other guys? They only put theirs halfway in the ground!"
A blonde lived with two blonde roommates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.
When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. They offer to send the car to a mechanic but she'd have to pay for it. She tells them she has absolutely no money. Couldn't they just send someone anyway?
The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.
A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could.
They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”.
“You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
A new blonde stewardess began her first day.
The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.
The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!"
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says."If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them!"
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and, screaming, said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complaint, the librarian asked: “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all were quiet.
Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up with her head bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate.
Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of lust and drugs. Yet, after their deaths, they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head. Then after a moment, he speaks, "O.K ladies, the Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another chance. I'm going to ask each of you the same question. If you get the question right, God will let you into Heaven. If you get it wrong, it is a Hell you will be a-going."
Peter then reminds the girls. "You will each be asked the same question. So if the first girl gets it right, the other two will get it as well, So choose carefully as to who will answer the question first."
The girls whisper amongst themselves, and the first blonde steps up, "I will answer first."
Peter eyes her over and asks, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde thinks about it and answers, "It where everyone decorates their trees and gives each other presents."
Saddened, Peter informs her, "I am sorry, but you are wrong."
Suddenly a big fiery pit opens up below her and swallows her up.
The second blonde steps up.
Peter asks the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde smiles and proudly announces, "That is the day when everyone dresses in green, and if you do not, everyone pinches you."
Peter looks at here, saddened, "I'm sorry."
The pit opens up and then swallows the second blonde.
The third blonde steps up and smiles widely, as Peter asks," What is Easter?"
The blonde proudly announces, "That is the day when Jesus was betrayed to the Romans, and crucified by Pontius Pilate. When they took him off the cross, they placed him in a large tomb and sealed it shut with a large stone."
Peter was surprised, "That is very close. What you described is good Friday. What comes next?"
The blonde continues, "Well, the next day they move the rock away, and when Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of Winter!"
Two blondes decided to go on a hunting trip to see what it's all about.
After a few days camping, they finally bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about a mile left to reach the truck."
Another hunter happened upon them then, saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won't stick in the mud."
So the blondes give it try and it worked! The first blonde says, "That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier."
The second blonde says, "Sure was, but now we're two miles from the truck."