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Oil

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
The Fertile 70 Year Old
The Fertile 70 Year Old An 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room. A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man "Yours?" "Yes," the old man replies proudly. "Congratulations," the nurse replies. "Well..." says the old man, "the old engine still runs!" Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?". "Yes" the old man answers. "Well done" the nurse answers. "The engine still runs!" said the old man. After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?". "Yes," the old man replies. "Congratulations," the nurse says, "that's really impressive." "Well..." says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!" "Well... says the nurse, "you may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Where does Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil come from? Really ugly olives.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
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