My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.