My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington