What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
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