So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation