Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
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