Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
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