An elderly woman visited a store that sold jade and requested seven kilograms of potatoes.
The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually.
The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with.
The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner.
The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else.
The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots.
"Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually."
"Oh, that would be grand." she said.
The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag.
The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?"
The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. It's... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher, a smile in his voice
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer..."
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”
I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”
Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.
My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”
My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature!
Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don`t Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Harold Immediately threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the brakes, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."
~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
~ Filming in cemetery angers residents
~ Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
~ Crash courses for private pilots
~ Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
~ Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
~ Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
~ 30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
~ Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
~ Miners Refuse To Work After Death
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess what it is. This one is round and red."
Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. The teacher knew him to be a troublemaker.
"It's a plum miss," said a girl.
"No." Said the teacher with a smile. "it's an apple, but i like the way you think!
The next one is oval shaped and green."
The teacher ignored Little Johnny's eagerly raised hand again as a boy said, "It's an Iguana miss!"
"No, it's a kiwi, but i like the way you think Billy."
Little Johnny couldn't help himself anymore and said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red knob."
"Johnny, that's disgusting!" shouted the teacher in anger.
"Nah, " Said Little Johnny. "It's a match, but i like the way you think."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
"Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yea, but who wants HIM back?"
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!"
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs.
"And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you:
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three...
you will someday be faced with dreadful disappointment."
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroads. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said: "Oh! Am I driving?"
A man walked into a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!"
The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!"
The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!"
The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts-they're complimentary."
Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other:
“Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains.
You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
Bobby had just bought an incredibly shiny pair of shoes and was very proud of them.
Curious about just how shiny they were, the not-so-decent Bobby decided to put them to the test. He went to a bar and approached a woman in a dress.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” Bobby asked, “are you wearing green underwear?”
Surprised, she said, “Yes… I am. How did you know?”
He grinned. “I must be wearing the shiniest shoes in the world.”
Feeling confident, he walked up to another woman, wearing a skirt.
“Excuse me, are you wearing red underwear?”
“Yes,” she replied, shocked.
Now fully convinced of his shoes’ brilliance, he approached a third woman in a dress.
This time, he hesitated
. “Excuse me, ma’am… are you not wearing any underwear?”
“No, I’m not,” she said. “Why?”
Bobby let out a huge sigh of relief and said, “Oh, thank God. I thought there was a hole in my shoe.”
A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.
A dietitian was once addressing a large church in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago." He cried out. “Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us think about the germs in our drinking water!" He stops dramatically and gives them all a long look.
“However, there is one food that is the riskiest of all - and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what risky product I'm referring to?”
A hand shoots up.
“Yes you, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head, wiped away a tear and said: "Wedding cake."
A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.
One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was Mick Jagger getting ready.
Our guy approached him and begged him to come and talk to him at some point during the concert. He tried to explain that he really liked his girlfriend and they were both huge fans of the Rolling Stones, so it would mean the world to him if his girlfriend was given the impression that he was an acquantaince of Mick Jagger’s.
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.” said Mick Jagger.
“Please Mr. Jagger, and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.”
“Okay, fine. If it'll get you out of my hair."
Later on, during a break between songs, Mick Jagger got off stage and went over to the guy and his girlfriend.
“Hey man, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while!” he told him with a big smile.
The guy looks at him impatiently.
"Ugh, Mick, can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend??"
Michael's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying: "WHOA, hold on there sweetie...
I haven't added them up yet!"
P.S - Please let us know if you've seen him, we're very worried.
One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout “down with the tyrant and his stupid mustache.”
Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said.
Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Hitler.
Stalin listens and decides the man is telling the truth. He agrees with his sentiments and sends the man on his way.
The party member is about to go as well but is stopped by Stalin and asked: "Tell me, comrade, which tyrant with a stupid mustache were you thinking of when you dragged the man here?"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, touching his lips.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' room."
Lately there has been talk about inventing some more fun games for seniors. After all, we're the ones with all the free time!
Some suggestions:
Sag, You’re it.
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
Kick the Bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over.
Doc, Doc Goose.
Simon Says Something Incoherent.
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
and last but not least - A Fun round of Musical Recliners!
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.
"The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet,
a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
"Wedding Cake?"
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring.
Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied:
“Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have.' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!'
The guys were all at a base camp. No one wanted to room with George, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy roomed with George and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'George snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that George shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked George into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. George sat up and watched me all night. I slept fine.'
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
Ahhmmm ahhhmmm!
I have written a little poem, it's called: "Same Old Me". It goes like this:
"When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn’t hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I’ve set my body free; There’s the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be.
The inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose They’re sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses. As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, and the outside, I’m not what I used to be.
But here on the inside, I’m still the same old me!"
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.'
The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises.
'Hmm just puppies in that sack'
The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises.
'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and she screams:
'POTATOES! POTATOES!'
Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights.
With his eyes barely open, he misses his friend Carl in bed on top of his wife.
He lies down and instantly passes out.
Carl panics and tries to run but the wife stops him and whispers: "Don't go, this moron is so drunk he won't even feel me plucking a hair on his butt."
The wife does exactly that and the husband doesn't move.
Carl, now reassured, proceeds with the job.
Half an hour later Ted moves a bit, and Carl is just about to freak out, the wife stops him and plucks another hair from his buttocks.
Another hour later Carl is still going at it. After a while, just to be sure, he plucks another hair from Ted's butt.
Ted then moves around a bit and mumbles: "Look man, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but do you really need to keep score on my bum?"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"What is it you wish of me, my son?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, "What did you teach?"
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones. The stylist refused to cut her hair like that, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. To wake her, the stylist took off the headphones.
The blonde immediately fell on the floor, flopped for a while, then died.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: "breathe in... breathe out... breathe in..."
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and discovered to his horror that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
"You're probably right," The girl replied thoughtfully, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.
He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?"
He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.
The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.
"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"
Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"
The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked.
"Because that's a microwave."
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”
The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”
She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it."
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
“So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
We older guys are helpful like that.
The animal I really dig,
Above all others is the pig.
Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
Pigs are courteous. However,
Now and then, to break this rule,
One meets a pig who is a fool.
What, for example, would you say,
If strolling through the woods one day,
Right there in front of you you saw
A pig who'd built his house of STRAW?
The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
And said, 'That pig has had his chips.'
'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'
The little pig began to pray,
But Wolfie blew his house away.
He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!
Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'
And though he ate the pig quite fast,
He carefully kept the tail till last.
Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
Another little house for pigs,
And this one had been built of TWIGS!
'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'
The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!'
He then began to blow and blow.
The little pig began to squeal.
He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal!
Why can't we talk and make a deal?
The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'
And soon the pig was in his belly.
'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,
'But still I'm not quite satisfied!
I know how full my tummy's bulging,
But oh, how I adore indulging.'
So creeping quietly as a mouse,
The Wolf approached another house,
A house which also had inside
A little piggy trying to hide.
'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried.
'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.
'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,
And I don't think you've got enough.'
Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
The house stayed up as good as new.
'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said,
I'll have to blow it up instead.
I'll come back in the dead of night
And blow it up with dynamite!'
Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!'
Then, picking up the telephone,
He dialed as quickly as he could
The number of red Riding Hood.
'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who?
Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?'
Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!
Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?'
'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied.
'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried.
'I know you've dealt with wolves before,
And now I've got one at my door!'
'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,
That's something really up my street.
I've just begun to wash my hair.
But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'
A short while later, through the wood,
Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,
And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
And spit was dripping from his jaw.
Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.
She draws the pistol from her knickers.
Once more she hits the vital spot,
And kills him with a single shot.
Pig, peeping through the window, stood
And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!'
Ah, Piglet, you must never trust
Young ladies from the upper crust.
For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
Not only has two wolfskin coats,
But when she goes from place to place,
She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A woman walks into a bar. He’s very inebriated, so she stumbles to the bartender.
‟I will have a whiskey schlour!” she slurs
‟I can’t serve you ma'am, you’ve had too much.” The barkeep informs her.
Looking disgruntled, she walks out the front door. A few minutes later she walks in through the side entrance.
‟Barkeep, give me Gin and Ginger.” she hiccups.
‟As I told you before, I can’t serve you, would you like me to get you a cab?” The bartender says patiently.
Looking quizzically at the bartender, she shakes his head and stumbles out. A few minutes later she walks in the front door again.
‟Give me Blue Motorcycle!” she demands.
‟Look ma'am’ the bartender says sternly, having lost his patience, ”if you do not let me call you a cab, I’m going to have to call the police.‟
She peers at him with red, blurry eyes and mumbles, ”How many friggin' bars do you work at??‟
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.
During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
"Oh, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."
Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome.
The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.
He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.
But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be darned if he didn't let himself have a good time.
Timothy had eyes for a girl named Sally. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, "Hair-lip".
Well Timmy saw past her 'stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her eating a peanut butter sandwich alone in the corner of the lunchroom.
He marched up to her and said, "Sally, I've been seeing you around for a while, and, well... Would you like to go to the dance with me?"
Sally's eyes lit up and she responded, "Would I!"
"Hair-lip!" blurted Timothy and ran away.
A farmer hires a new hand. He looks a little slow, but strong as an ox.
He tells him "Toss these hay bales in the tractor", and he does, no problem.
He tells him "Put these fence posts into the dirt", and he mallets them in faster than the farmer ever had.
He then trusted the young man enough to take care of the toughest task on the farm.
"Hold down the cow and insert this suppository. It's for Mad Cow disease." and hands him a pill the size of a red bull can.
10 minutes later, looking worn out and wobbly on his feet, the farmhand returns.
"Haha Did Ol Bess put up a fight?", asked the farmer with a grin.
"No...'", the young man said, concernedly, "...she just stared at me like I was crazy. But that pill hurt like the dickens!"
It was 1990 and Mikhail Gorbachev called POTUS Bush Sr. to request help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Gorbachev, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.' replied the President.
"I do need help," said Gorbachev . "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Gorbachev .
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter?" said Gorbachev .
"No problem." replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of condom company, "I need a favour, you've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter."
"Easily done, Mr. President. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Bush.
"I want each to say 'Made in the USA, Size: Small"
Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive in a huge car. Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.
When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through.
The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove through a red light."
A few minutes later, they drove through another red light. The passenger was almost certain that the light had been red but was still slightly concerned that she might be going mad, so she decided to give the driver one last chance.
As they were approaching the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention. This time the lights were certainly red, yet just as before they just sped past.
"Susan!" the passenger yelled. "Do you know we just ran 3 red lights in a row? We could have been killed!"
"Oh!" Said Susan. "Am I driving?"
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his social security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She sniffed at him, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day.
I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun.
So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair.
That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack.
Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious.
He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't.
Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T.
My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!
A rich man just got his brand new Jaguar, equipped with everything. He was whistling to himself, enjoying the ride, when he encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change. While he was waiting, a tiny Beetle also drives up. The rich guy looked at the little car and couldn't help himself, he had to brag.
"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, on-board computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this..."
At this point the Beetle owner interrupted.
"That's nice, but do you have a hair blower in there?"
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The rich man in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the car.
A few days passed, and the rich man was looking for that Beetle, until he finally found it in another light. He got out of his car and quickly knocked on the other's window.
"Yea?" Said the other man impatiently.
"I got that hair blower too, now." said the rich man proudly.
"Nice," the other man said, "but do you have THIS?" and he shows the rich guy a tiny microwave oven built into the dashboard.
"N... no. I have to say I don't."
"Well, talk to me when you have a REAL car, then!" and with that, the Beetle takes off.
The rich man goes back to the dealership and this time has a special microwave AND an oven put into his car.
Once again the Jaguar was at a traffic light when the man spotted the Beetle. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the car. After a few moments, the beetle owner poked his head out.
"I installed an oven." said the rich man proudly.
"Ugh,' the mini-man responded. "you got me out of the shower for THIS?"
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
My wife has a tendency to go off on random tangents sometimes.
In her atypical fashion, she decided that we both needed to get fit, so off we went on a backpacking holiday.
After eight days on a series of trails in the wilderness, my wife and I both started to look a little rough around the edges.
One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder-length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a cow?"
I thought for a moment, then said: "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
A duck goes into a store and waddles up to the manager.
He asks him if he sells duck food. The shopkeeper tells him no. The duck then leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks the same question again. The shopkeeper tells him, testily, that the store still doesn’t sell duck food. The duck leaves.
The following day the duck returns again and asks the same question. The shopkeeper is getting pissed off, so says no and warns the duck if he asks one more time, he will staple the duck’s feet to the floor.
The next day the duck goes back into the store. He waddles up to the (now red faced) shopkeeper and asks ‘Do you sell staples?’
'No'. The puzzled shopkeeper says.
'Great.' Says the duck. 'Do you sell duck food?’
Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down.
On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"
Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
"I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?" He shouts at his friend.
"I did..." Explained Bob, "but I landed head first!"
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?"
A high-powered attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days - and let’s just say, he was not the ideal patient.
He barked orders, whined about everything, and treated the nurses like they worked for him personally.
Most of the staff had just about had it with him... except the head nurse. She’d seen it all - and she wasn’t about to take any nonsense.
One morning, she marched into his room and said, “I need to take your temperature.”
He groaned, huffed, and puffed for five solid minutes, then finally opened his mouth like he was doing her a favor.
“Oh no,” the nurse said with a sweet smile. “This reading can’t be done orally.”
More complaining. More whining. But finally, with a dramatic sigh, he rolled over and presented the royal backside.
She inserted the thermometer and said, “Perfect. Now, don’t move - I’ll be right back.”
Then she walked out… and left the door WIDE open.
People passed by. Some snickered. Others laughed out loud. The attorney stewed in silent humiliation.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor walked in, took one look, and blinked.
“What on earth is going on here?” he asked.
The attorney, red-faced and furious, snapped, “Well?! Haven’t you ever seen someone getting their temperature taken?!”
The doctor paused, tilted his head, and said…
“Sure… just never with a ballpoint pen.”
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
Around the beginning of the 20th century, a society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now".
It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.
The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.
The agency man asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained.
Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there.
Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom.
The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?"
Molly swallows nervously and says: "Surely we do madam, but we don't skin 'em!"
Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.
Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on.
The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene.
There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible.
The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.
The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car.
A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle.
She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it.
The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman.
Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again.
It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
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