The Funniest Quotes About Aging

Aging can be a matter for deep, soul-thrashing thoughts, but it can also be a source of great amusement. After all, you've got to have a sense of humor if you wanna get old! Here you can enjoy some of the wittiest and funniest quotes about aging.

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
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