Nuts

Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
A Pleasant Surprise at the Bar
A Pleasant Surprise at the Bar A man walked into a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts-they're complimentary."
The Old Acorn Tree
The Old Acorn Tree On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." The old man beat the boy to the gate.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
Want to start your day laughing? Register to our Daily Joke!
By continuing, you agree to our T&C and Privacy Policy