Dead

What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
What did the cowboy say about the dead prostitute?
Hoedown.
Joe and His Dead Horse
Joe and His Dead Horse A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Joe replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've spent it already." Joe said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with it?" Joe said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't flog a dead horse!" Joe said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Joe said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece and made a profit of $2495." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Joe said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."
Emergency Instructions
Emergency Instructions 2 Hunters are out one day, they are about to shoot a buck. Suddenly, one of the Hunters clutches his hands to his chest, and falls to the ground. The other hunter, in shock calls 911. The operator begins: "9-1-1, whats your emergency?" The hunter nervously says, "My friend just collapsed, I think he's dead!" The operator responds, "Ok, can you make sure?" A gunshot is heard over the phone. "Done. Now what?"
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Breaking it to the Wife
Breaking it to the Wife One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door. "Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm so sorry, but someone stabbed your husband and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
The Little Boy and the Gravestones
The Little Boy and the Gravestones A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone. The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?" His mother replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife." Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?", pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name. "We really didn't like Uncle Joe." Said his mother.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
I read dead people.
Better read than dead.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.

What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.

Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
The British, the Camel and the Meal
The British, the Camel and the Meal Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry. Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead. The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry" The three men all nodded. "I tell you what, I was about to start eating this camel. I'll share it with you" The three men soon started arguing about who gets what when one of them chimes in with a "Alright guys, how about this? Whatever football team we support dictates what part of the camel we can have." So he goes "Well, I support Liverpool." So he got the liver "I support Hartlepool." said the second man. So he got the heart. The last guy said "I support Arsenal but I'm not hungry."
What did the cowboy say about the dead prostitute?
Hoedown.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.