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Lie

Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
A young whore who came from Lahore
Would lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
The Mayor's Nightly Visit
The Mayor's Nightly Visit A new mayor of Chicago is chosen. That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The mayor asks him "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?". FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The mayor wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the mayor. He asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie". The mayor wakes up startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!" The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the mayor's dreams. The mayor asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?" Abraham looks at the mayor, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer. "Visit a theater."
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Are you into one-night stands?
[No.]
Then why don't you lie down?
Are you going to sleep with me or do I have to lie to my diary?
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
A Helping Hand Through Customs...
A Helping Hand Through Customs... A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" "What is it you wish of me, my son?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, father, no one will question you." When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
The Big Lie
The Big Lie John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 28 year old. His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?" "It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age." "Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no. "There is no way she could believe you were 40!". They exclaim. John shakes his head again. "So how old did you tell her you were exactly??" John smiles and whispers "85".