Lie Jokes

“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”

- George Carlin.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Let's play the Pinocchio game. You sit on my face, and I'll tell you a lie.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
The Big Lie John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 28 year old. His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?" "It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age." "Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no. "There is no way she could believe you were 40!". They exclaim. John shakes his head again. "So how old did you tell her you were exactly??" John smiles and whispers "85".
A Holy Favor A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" "What is it you wish of me, my son?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, father, no one will question you." When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
I like big books and I cannot lie.
The Mayor's Nightly Visit A new mayor of Chicago is chosen. That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The mayor asks him "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?". FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The mayor wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the mayor. He asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie". The mayor wakes up startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!" The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the mayor's dreams. The mayor asks "What can I do to make Chicago even greater?" Abraham looks at the mayor, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer. "Visit a theater."
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
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