Ass Jokes

Without women sex would be a pain in the ass.
I go nuts over your candy ass.
There was a young Coed of Kent,
In matters of law eloquent.
She told lawyers from Yale
That her ass was for sale,
But they proved it was only for rent.
What a thrice-double ass!
Me: Did it hurt?

Her: Did what hurt?

Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Stop trying to be a smart ass, you're just an ass.
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
The Good Pastor and the Police Officer Pastor William Fuzz had been the only minister in his small town for 30 years and had a wonderful reputation as a good man of God. However, he had a secret passion for the ladies and just couldn't help himself but get involved. One day he took a beautiful 20 year old parishioner down the dead end lane by the river to make out. Suddenly the bright light of a policeman’s flashlight illuminated the pair. Thinking he might be able to talk his way out of it, the minister said “Officer it’s okay I’m Pastor Fuzz.” The cop replied, “I don’t care if your halfway up her ass, get outta the car!”
Learning to Cuss The kids learn to cuss . . . A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios". WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know", he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
A Swan Shan't Be Friends With a Pig A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch. However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have.' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!'
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