Four members of the clergy had a theological argument about the intricacies of their practice. Eventually, the three male ministers were arguing against the one female minister.
The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove that my point is correct."
A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."
The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.
"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."
This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.
"See! I told you I was right," the woman said.
But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.
"Help me, Lord," the woman implored.
And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"
The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"
"Okay, okay," they said. "But it's still three against two."
Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers.
Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it.
After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.
On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?"
The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
The old man beat the boy to the gate.
How cold IS IT?
It's so cold THAT...
The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
You have to break the smoke off your chimney.
You have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
Police tell a robber to freeze, and he really does.
Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
People look forward to getting a fever
Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins
Lady Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Prisoners are begging for the electric chair.
Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker!
A streaker froze in mid-streak!
I chipped my tooth on my soup.
Dunkin' Donuts is serving coffee on a stick.
The local flasher was seen describing himself to three different women this morning.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
I'm drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Ice cubes are coming out of my faucet.
Trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Cops are tasing themselves.
I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
The ice cubes in my drink have goose bumps.
When all is said and done, I'm really thankful for the HOT FLASHES!
An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector.
He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right."
Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
"The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario.
He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough, the hunters have bagged two moose.
The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.
Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”
To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total coward!”
Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.
The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching.
Finally, the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree.
The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.
Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy.
He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year."
A Catholic man goes to confession.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins.
"Go on my son." says the priest.
"I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man.
"Continue." says the priest.
"I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man.
"Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man.
"Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore."
"You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole."
They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the f**in' putt, didn't you?"
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay and is marrying my business partner, 30 years older than him."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins robbing the house.
The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs.
Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!"
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible." says the criminal. "Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in with you."
Yet the man again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
"Look, I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." says the burglar, feeling a little ashamed of himself.
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" the man is now crying.
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, does find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he says "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately."
"Not really," The man replies in a state of frenzy, "it's just that she will be home in 15 minutes."
2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam. The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.
The professor begins asking the question:
"You are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?"
The student replies,"I open the window."
"Ok. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?"
The student is clearly confused at this difficult question and just answers,"I don't know."
So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.
He begins asking his friend "you are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?
He says,"I will take my jacket off."
"Ok. But its still too hot. What do you do?"
"I take my shirt off."
"I understand but its very, very hot."
"I will just get naked."
"Ok. But there are people in the the car who will see you get naked."
"With all respect, Professor," said the student, "I don't care if my grandmother and my priest are there, there's no way I'm opening that darn window!"
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when - in his excitement - his car went out of control and crashed into an oak tree.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side with the warm grin he'd know since childhood.
He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied:
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself: "Oh no, what has he done now?" And he said with trepidation: "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied: "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said: "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
"Denephew," the brother replied.
Software development cycle:
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.
She says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.
Finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "Well I'm ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
"Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster - everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress size, you dumbass!"
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve."
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?"
2nd nun: "An apple."
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed...
A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the woman, drunk as a skunk, chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the inebriated woman began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”
“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off. “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles - that was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
One day an old man wrote a letter to God and tied the letter to a tree outside a church.
The priest came and took down the letter.
It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully".
Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised $5,000. He put it in an envelope and wrote on it "From God" and left it next to the tree when he saw the old man come visit again.
The next day, the old man came back and tied another letter to the tree.
The priest then came and took down the letter and read it excitedly.
"Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. Next time, please send it to me directly as the priest can't be trusted, can you believe he took $95,000 of the money!"
An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir.
"Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,
"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began, "I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!' Well... I just crapped my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!'"
A Texan is in London for business, and decides he'd like to see the sights before he leaves, so jumps into a taxi and has them show him around.
They drive past Big Ben, and the taxi driver notes it took 15 years to build. The Texan scoffs at this. "You Brits are so slow! We'd build something twice the size in half the time!"
Next they swing by the Tower Bridge. Again, the driver comments that this impressive landmark was completed in only 8 years, and again the Texan scoffs. "That bridge is tiny! In Texas, we would have built a much larger bridge in just a year or two."
A little further on, they drive past Buckingham Palace, but the taxi driver doesn't comment on it. The Texan is puzzled, and asks "What's that then? I suppose that must have taken you a hundred years to build!"
The taxi driver just shakes his head. "Sorry mate, not sure what that one is - wasn't here yesterday."
An American and a Russian, who have sinned much in their life, both die in a car accident and go to Hell at the same time.
They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.
Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of manure each morning, but then you're free to do whatever you'd like.
Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of manure before your start your day.
The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell.
Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says "My Russian friend, Hell wasn't what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a beautiful golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. I meet the most beautiful and charming women. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don't mind eating the shovel-full of manure in the morning anymore. I mean, it's no picnic, but you get used to it. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it a mistake?"
The Russian shrugs: "No mistake. This is Russian Hell, most of the time there is no shovel, and the rest of the time there is no manure!"
Three men die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter
Peter says to them: "I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas."
The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "This represents the Christmas tree."
He is allowed into heaven
The second man pulls out his keys and jingles them "These represent bells."
He is allowed into heaven
The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear and shows them to St. Peter, who is taken aback.
"Good lord what do THOSE represent?!"
The third man says "Oh well, these are Carol's."
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country with his father. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter - and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided that that was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive."
Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "For heaven's sake, child, what on Earth for?"
"Well, it comes in very handy.
For example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a damn,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the HELL out of my cab!"
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There is a line of cabs and at the very end, he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the hell out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to the airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the hell out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. The driver doesn't recognize him and he asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
The driver responds, "$15".
The guy hands him $15 and says "Great let's go!"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles at them enthusiastically while giving them the thumbs up!
A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine." the blond chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."
"Uh, ma'am?", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
A few decades ago, a man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What features does it have?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness.
When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.
God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously.
This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark.
When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"
"Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”
The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”
A moment of silence passes...
"So... how much do you want?”
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature.
Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "Second worst pain in my life."
"SECOND worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!".
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
A man suffers from terrible constipation, and decides to go to his doctor.
After the man describes his sorrowful condition, the doctor decides to prescribe him a laxative. He grabs a paper and a pencil and starts doing some calculations. He asks the man, "How are you gonna go home?", to which the man replies "I'll walk."
The doctor then tell him there's a public toilet just 10 minutes away. He takes into account the man's speed of walking, how near the toilet is, whether it may be occupied and so on. After carefully calculating something for a solid 15 minutes, he measures a precise amount of the laxative and asks the man to consume it in the clinic itself, and tells him to immediately leave for his home, and report back on the status of success later on.
30 minutes later, the man comes back to the doctor's office with a very uncomfortable expression on his face, and walking weirdly.
He says "Doc, the laxative worked quite well, but... do you have 50 cents?''
Three buddies are out driving around in a sports car.
It's all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection.
Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly.
Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!'"
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over, to the hunter's horror, it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Fortunately for him, some hunters nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first, please," said the hunter.
"Well, the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news then?' asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.”
"Oh no, I mean, at least I'm alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,' the hunter replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?''
“Not exactly...' answered the doctor delicately. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over the bathroom.'
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds each, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season had closed!
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, "Well me laddie, I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained... like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says, "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the lobsters."
The fisherman says, "What lobsters?"
Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, "What could you possibly have done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”
“Ummm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees.
The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!"
The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!"
The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!"
The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!"
Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw."
The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store.
The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"
Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them.
"Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot."
The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew.
"Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly.
"Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently.
Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles.
At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?"
The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid."
Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold.
"What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money.
“I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them.” Says Andrew.
Ma and Pa were two old folks living out on a farm up in the hills last century. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College grajute, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.
A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"
The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."
A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.
The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"
Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it."
Rabbi: "Sure, but the waiter won't believe you, right?"
Priest: "Of course he won't. That's when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying."
Rabbi: "Very nice, I'll be trying this."
Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favorite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill.
Rabbi: "Oh, I already paid."
Waiter: "Mmm, I'm pretty sure you did not sir."
Rabbi: "You know I'm a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid."
Waiter: "So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you're good to go."
15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table. 30 minutes... 45 minutes... 1 hour and he is still there! The waiter walks up to him: "Sir, why are you still here?"
Rabbi: "Well, I'm waiting for the change!"
In a prison in China, prisoners are discussing who's in for what and for how long.
"Hey, Zhang- what are you in for?"
Zhang: "Strangled my wife's lover to death. Got 15 years. How about you, Wei?"
Wei: "I got 10 years for robbery and stabbing. What about you, Wang?"
Wang: "I got 5 years for attempted rape. What about you, Liu?"
Liu: "25 years for being lazy."
All the other prisoners: "WHAT?! HOW?"
Liu sighs. "Well, my neighbor and I were playing Go and after few shots of wine, started telling jokes about Jinping and the government. After my neighbor left, I thought to myself: "I should go to the government and report him". But it was late and I was tired, so I decided to go just wait until the morning and went to sleep.
My neighbor, on the other hand, wasn't as lazy..."
A 16 year old teen comes home with a Porsche.
His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his Father. “I know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be mentally ill! Who knows what she will do next? Paul, you go right up there and see what’s going on. And you my son should be ashamed of taking advantage!”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and asked her what happened.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
"The pictures are of you and your secretary."
A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home.
The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one.
One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one.
One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw." So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop.
The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the hell is that sound?!?"
After many years of work, Jack retired and started playing golf. He was at the course almost every day, but after a few years, he stopped.
When his wife asked why, he told her: "My eyesight has deteriorated. I hit the ball, but I have no idea where it flies. It takes all the fun out of it."
The wife thought for a moment and said: "Ask my brother Nathan to help you. He's eighty-five, but his vision is excellent."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think so?"
"Don't worry," she said, "Nathan sees like a hawk!"
The next day, Jack and Nathan went to the golf course together. Jack positioned himself at the first tee and hit the ball straight into the trees off the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked his brother-in-law.
"Of course!" said Nathan proudly.
Jack tried again, and this time the golf ball flew over a distant hill. "Did you see where the ball went?" he asked.
"Yes," answered Nathan, "I saw exactly where it went."
Jack, satisfied and ready to move on, asked, "Where do I need to go to collect the first 2 balls?"
"No idea." answered his brother-in-law.
"What do you mean, 'no idea'?" asked Jack angrily, "I thought you saw everything!"
"I saw," said Nathan, "but I don't remember..."
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back..
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
For Men
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
For Women
Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
"My bike."
A woman walks into a bar. He’s very inebriated, so she stumbles to the bartender.
‟I will have a whiskey schlour!” she slurs
‟I can’t serve you ma'am, you’ve had too much.” The barkeep informs her.
Looking disgruntled, she walks out the front door. A few minutes later she walks in through the side entrance.
‟Barkeep, give me Gin and Ginger.” she hiccups.
‟As I told you before, I can’t serve you, would you like me to get you a cab?” The bartender says patiently.
Looking quizzically at the bartender, she shakes his head and stumbles out. A few minutes later she walks in the front door again.
‟Give me Blue Motorcycle!” she demands.
‟Look ma'am’ the bartender says sternly, having lost his patience, ”if you do not let me call you a cab, I’m going to have to call the police.‟
She peers at him with red, blurry eyes and mumbles, ”How many friggin' bars do you work at??‟
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher.
"I don't have any." Said the old lady.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety seven."
"That is incredible! Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 97, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bastards."
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever made love to a woman.
"Tarzan not know lovemake." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for??!!"
"Always check for squirrel."
A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season.
"Godda**it," the hunter muttered.
Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air!
No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth.
As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden.
Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak.
"Whoa."
Then, from above him, a voice boomed:
”YOU'RE WELCOME."
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for someone to rescue them from beneath the earth.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
"Well," The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, "some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.
“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for your final arrival on the ground?”, he was asked again.
“Oh THAT?" He asked, "The dog’s leash goes slack”
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a tiger heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching tiger.
Just as the tiger is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man! That was one delicious tiger. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the tiger halts his attack in mid-stride as a look of terror overcomes him and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the tiger. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So, off he goes. But the dog sees him heading after the tiger with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the tiger. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving dog."
Now the dog sees the tiger coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another tiger, and he's still not back!"
The tiger ran away.
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