Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.