Three little lads were on their way home from school when one of them noticed a red Ferrari parked at the side of the road.
He said: "When I'm older I'm going to get a great job and buy one of them."
The second lad said: "I am going to university to get a great education, and a great job and buy one also."
The third lad says: "I'm going to get a job like my sister."
The other two asked what she did.
"She's a prostitute."
"What's a prostitute?" the other two ask.
"I don't know, but that's my sister's car."
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Two Boys See a Naked Woman
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.”
"I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
A man walks into a drugstore with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe intercourse." the man replies matter-of-factly.
"Oh I see," replies the boy, pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school."
He picks up a packet of three condoms and asks: "Why are there three in this package, Dad?"
"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday," the man replies.
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks: "So who are these for, Dad?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks as he picks up a 12-pack.
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Hear eye sit inn English class; the likelihood is that eye won't pass
An F on my report card wood bee worse than swallowing glass
It's knot that eye haven't studied, often till late at knight
Butt the rules are sew confusing, eye simply can't get them write
Hour teacher says, "Heed my advice, ewe must study and sacrifice"
Butt if mouses are mice and louses are lice, how come blouses aren't blice
The confusion really abounds when adding esses two nouns
Gooses are geese, butt mooses aren't meese; somebody scent in the clowns
Two ultimatums are ultimata, and a couple of datum are data
Sew wouldn't ewe expect it wood bee correct fore a bunch of plums to be plata?
And if more than won octopus are octopi, and the plural of ox is oxen
Shouldn't a couple of busses bee bussi and a pare of foxes bee foxen?
Let's talk about spelling a wile, specifically letters witch are silent
Words like "psychologist" and "wreck" shirley make awl of us violent
And another example quite plane witch is really hard two explain
If it's eye before e except after sea, then what about feign and reign?
The final exam will determine how eye due, weather eye pass ore fail
I halve prepared as much as eye can down two the last detail
I'm ready two give it my vary best inn just a little wile
And then isle take a relaxing wrest on a tropical aisle.
(By Alan Balter)
What are the two most profane bones in the human body? The blasfemurs.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends? Vertebros.
The Secret of the Shoebox
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet... They were two toucans.
The Interview Question
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks: "What does two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies: "Four."
The interviewer asks: "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says: "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question.
"What does two plus two equal?"
The accountant says: "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question.
"What does two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, leans close to the interviewer and whispers: "What do you want it to equal?"
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat, evil hag'."
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two hookers – $50.00."
A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves."
"How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls.
"Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied. "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully.
The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.
Sighing, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
The Newlyweds and the Can of Paint
Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two months and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two months went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint.
"A can of PAINT??!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed husband. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took over."
The minister just shook his head and said: "You two sinners are not welcome in my church!"
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."
Three politicians become friends after meeting each other at functions. One is from America, the second from Russia and the third from Brazil.
The American politician decides to invite the two others to his home.
When they get there, the first thing he shows them is his Rolls-Royce.
"Beautiful isn't it?" he asks them.
"Hmm, yes it is" they both admit.
"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the American points in a direction.
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets."
The other two smile and nod in understanding.
A few weeks later, the Russian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for a party.
When they arrive, the two were surprised at how grand it was - it was a regal-looking mansion.
They ask the Russian politician, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"
The Russian takes them outside, points in a direction and says:
"You see that huge bridge over there? I used inferior materials and got 20% of the costs stashed in my personal account."
The other two are impressed.
A few weeks later, the Brazilian politician extends an invitation to the other two to come to his home for dinner.
When they arrive, the two are astonished to see a palatial mansion with a fleet of cars on the front driveway.
"How the heck did you get the money to get all THIS?" asked the Russian.
"Do you see that bridge over there?" pointed the Brazilian politician.
"No," said both, squinting in that direction.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow? Quakers and milk.
A Clueless Nurse
A doctor is going around the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the man is lying in bad condition, worse than when he came in.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor suspiciously.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed, the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately, at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, taken aback, "did you prick his boil?!?"
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion... It’s quite the CoNunDrum
The Priest, the Rabbi and the Monk
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling.
They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?"
The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No."
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did you play poker yesterday?"
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No."
Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, "So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me!
Did YOU play poker yesterday?"
The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself?"
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Two Blondes Are Better Than One
Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station.
While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.
When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself.
She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring.
The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.
Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
Two snakes parted. The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
How to Get People Off Drugs
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.
"156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
Why the CIA is Special
The Police Department, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The police go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The CIA goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were all sentenced to 50 whip lashes each.
On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced: "It's my wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 20 lashes before the whip went through.
When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 35 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a part of the world I really like. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 50, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. Would you like pillows as well?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Nah, just tie the Frenchman and the German to my back."
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.”
The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass.
“Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!”
“Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together.
The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100.
“Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?”
The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”
In life, there are really only two things to worry about.
Either you are well, or you are sick: If you are well, there's nothing to worry about!
If you are sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you get better, or you die.
If you get better, there's nothing to worry about!
If you die, there are two things to worry about.
Going to Heaven, or going to Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about!
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry...
So why worry at all??
Many years ago, two cowboys come upon a Native American lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Native American looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Remarkable!"
The Native looks up weakly and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed.
After the first three years, the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
- "Bed hard!". The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
- "I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the abbot replied, "I'm not surprised - you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A Tale of Two Pilots
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.
He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.
After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
"What did you do?" Asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn't see anything impressive."
The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. How did you like it?"
A tutor who taught on the flute, tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot or, to tutor two tooters to toot?"
The Copying Error
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!"
A blond becomes terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping everywhere."
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Temptation is Hard to Resist
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from making love for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without making love for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman seeing the sign stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different; the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."
Two blondes decided to go on a hunting trip to see what it's all about.
After a few days camping, they finally bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about a mile left to reach the truck."
Another hunter happened upon them then, saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won't stick in the mud."
So the blondes give it try and it worked! The first blonde says, "That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier."
The second blonde says, "Sure was, but now we're two miles from the truck."
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded, "You're lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you!"
In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds each, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season had closed!
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, "Well me laddie, I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The fisherman says, "No my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained... like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?"
The fisherman says, "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the lobsters."
The fisherman says, "What lobsters?"
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
She used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.
His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the cold water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what did you do that for?!?"
"Because, you idiot," said the second Eskimo, "Don't you know that you can't have your kayak and heat it too??"
Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life. Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.
"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"
But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPads. Shaken by this intrusion of the outside world into monastic life, he sought out the abbot.
The abbot looked up from his phone, greeted the man and asked if he had a question.
"Abbot, I came here expecting a place free from distraction, and yet I see distraction all around. Tell me, is it now acceptable for monks to spend their time answering emails?"
"Of course," said the abbot, "provided there are no attachments."
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters.
Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.
They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant.
Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.
Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could.
To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.
“How can I possibly be the father of that ugly baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”
Linda blushed, which made him suspicious.
“Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.
“Not this time, honey.”
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.
The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."
Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?"
Farmer: "I'm a farmer."
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor with a smile. But he does not look convinced.
Xi asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?"
Immediate yes from the farmer.
The governor then asks if he may asks a question. Xi agrees.
Governor: "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government."
Farmer: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that."
Xi is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?"
Farmer: "I actually have two cows."
Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.
Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar.
The beggar thanks him and moves on.
Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity. "Why the hell did you do that? You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!"
Desmond laughs: "What...and we weren't?"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor. "What will you have?" asks the vendor. The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An electron or two.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Two Sides of the Story
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
28 July, Saturday
'Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him. I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep. I think he’s planning to leave me. Maybe he’s found someone else...'
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –
Saturday 28 July
'My team lost today.
What a bummer.
At least I got some s*x!'
Where's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
The Old Snake and the Doctor
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”.
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father - Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help.
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now... They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"
Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So she gets up and gets the coffee.
Some time later, old Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time.
Finally the two ladies say goodbye. "Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?" says the first one. "All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!".
The second one looks at her in amazement: "What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"
What do you call two spine bones that are friends? Vertebros.
Two Old Ladies and a Flower Show
Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!”
“You're on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door.
Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Evelyn.
“I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'...”
What did hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
The Lawyer, the Friend and the 2 Bears
A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine.
Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants? A pair of swimming trunks.
Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"
A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner.
The American says "We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space."
The other two ask, "What? Outer-space?".
The American says, "Not exactly, but just a few inches below".
After some time, the Russian says, "We are so advanced, we built a submarine that touches the seabed".
The other two ask, "What? The actual seabed?".
The Russian says, "Not exactly, just a few inches higher".
Then, the Australian says, "Well, we have been advanced for centuries. For example, we can pee with our belly buttons!"
The other two ask, "what? Belly button?".
The Australian says, "Well, not exactly, just a few inches lower."
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario.
He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough, the hunters have bagged two moose.
The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.
Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”
To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total coward!”
Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.
The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching.
Finally, the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree.
The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.
Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy.
He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”
Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year."
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.
The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.
They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!"
The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword."
The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!"
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!"
The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!"
"Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!"
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard.
The driver says, "That is great. My wife and I do that every night."
The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, "Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks, "How was it?"
The passenger answers, "It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks."
The driver looks at him funny and says, "TEN drinks?"
The passenger says, "Yea, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"
Two nerdy male students meet on campus one day.
One of them notices that the other is on a shiny new racing bike.
He calls out to the other: "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike.
She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
How Congress Truly Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll do it again."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an entire hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age! What's your secret? Could you make love like that 50 years ago??"
The pensioner replies, "I don't think so, son. 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"