There was a young lady named Rose, Who had a large wart on her nose. When she had it removed, Her appearance improved, But her glasses slipped down to her toes. She followed her nose, One day, I suppose, And no one knows which way she went.
The Old Snake and the Doctor
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”.
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”. The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains. “Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.” In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
The Drunk Man and the Fairground Booth
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money.
The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times.
The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes.
The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him a consolation prize instead, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times.
Once more he had scored three bull's eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware."
"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those crusty meat pies."