Cannibals Jokes

Three explorers--a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker--were trekking through the jungle when they were captured by pygmies. "I've got good news and bad news," says the chief. "The bad news is that we're going to cook you, skin you, and make canoes out of your skin." "That's terrible!" exclaims the Brit, "What's the good news?" "Well..." the chief responds, "We'll let you choose the manner of your death, and even perform it yourself if you'd like." The Frenchman steps forward first. "I vill take ze rope, s'il vous plaît." The chief hands him a rope. The Frenchman ties a noose and shouts "Vive la France!" before strangling himself. The pygmies cook him, skin him, and make a canoe out of his skin. Next, the Brit steps forward. "I'll have a bloody pistol, chaps." The chief hands him a pistol. "God save the Queen!" shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out. The pygmies cook him, skin him, and make a canoe out of his skin. Finally, the New Yorker steps forward. "Gimme a fork!" "A FORK?!?" The pygmies are perplexed, but nonetheless, give him a fork. He starts stabbing himself in the face, neck, chest, and legs. All over his body, he plunges the fork into his skin until he is bleeding from a thousand tiny holes. The chief is aghast. "Good Lord! What are you doing?!?" The New Yorker bellows, SCREW YOU, AND YOUR CANOES!"

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water... One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu: They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?" "Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?"

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He wanders through the thick jungle for days upon days, and it seems like his journey's going to amount to nothing. As he ventures deeper into it, his attention is drawn to something hanging overhead in the canopy and decides to take a closer look. Suddenly, he falls into a trap, is knocked unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him. He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe. "But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!" "Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch, sipping their tea. Then one asked the other: "Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?" "Yes, that's right." "So how are things between you right now?" "Well... right now..." The cannibal stopped to take a sip of her tea. "Right now I'm letting him stew..."

A large corporation hires a Tribe of ex-cannibals. As they accept them they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody!" Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office and says: "One of the employees has been missing for several days now. This is awkward to ask, but... did you EAT them?" The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says: "No sir, we have not eaten anybody. We have left that all behind us." The CEO remains unconvinced, but without evidence there is nothing he can do. He apologizes for the suspicion and sends them back to work. Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his people and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?" A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hand and admits: "I ate the cleaning lady." Enraged, the chief slaps the man and yells: "You fool! We've been eating department heads, marketing executives and efficiency consultants for weeks and nobody noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone they'll miss!"