Fly Jokes

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
The Jewish Samurai Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead?" replied Cohen in contempt. "Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes skill."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
My flag will never fly at half mast as long you're around.
The Old Eagle and the Eaglets The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by. He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well. The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. "That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!" A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?" "Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, you've seen squirrels?" "Sure, we see a lot, running around on the branches." "Keep an eye out, because those are tasty." Said the grand old eagle. "An eagle-eye," a smart-mouthed grandson said, and was immediately smacked. The granddaughter asked, "Birds, what about birds, do we eat those?" "Well some, sure. Seagulls, those are fine, and pretty easy to catch." Answered the great eagle. A grandson asked, "There's a big white bird with long legs, it lives by rivers and streams, do you know? Do you eat those?" "I think you mean egrets?" his grandfather asked. "That's right, egrets, have you eaten a lot of those?" "Egrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention."
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”

- Ogden Nash.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
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