Alcohol

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
A Drunk Minister
A Drunk Minister A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn - he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil. Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
The Sunday School Teacher
The Sunday School Teacher I went out on a blind date with a woman I met online. So I went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, just gorgeous. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?" I said okay, not everyone's idea of a good time. I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children?" Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "Wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: "I thought you'd never ask!" I say: "Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?" She says: "The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!"
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
Why did god invent alcohol? So fat women can get laid too.
The Old Lady, the Bartender and the Scotch
The Old Lady, the Bartender and the Scotch A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me." As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming up," said the bartender. As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."