A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over.
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Sargent: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Sargent: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Sargent: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Sargent: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The first officer is stunned.
Sargent: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Sargent: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too."
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone.
The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?"
His mother replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife."
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?", pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name.
"We really didn't like Uncle Joe." Said his mother.
An elderly woman went into the pharmacy.
When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both lying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly.
"And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."
St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"
"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change."
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
They pondered this possibility, but the Frenchman and the Russian soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
Although the Russian and the Brit agreed on this point, there still seemed to be something amiss.
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with an adult... toy.
"What are you doing?!?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!"
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter on the sofa with her toy.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching sports on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are YOU doing?" she exclaimed.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law." said the father.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things."
The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are standing in a museum looking at a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden.
The three stare at it intently.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the British man. "They must be British."
The three of them ponder this possibility for a moment before the Frenchman and the Russian shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, enjoying the best of life. Clearly they are French.".
The Brit and Russian agree on this point, but after a moment the Russian shakes his head again.
"No clothes, no shelter..." He muses. "Also, they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian!"
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the police station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah - L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leaped up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.”
"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British."
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed. Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
"Oh No! That must be my husband!"
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car...
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: "I'm your husband, you mad cow!"
And the woman answered:
"Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?"
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.”
"I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Three biker buddies are sitting in a bar. A man, who’s already heavily intoxicated, walks in, sits down and orders a drink.
The man looks around and sees the three bikers sitting at a table in a corner of the bar. He gets up, staggers over to their table, and leans over it.
Looking the biggest of the three men in the eye, the drunk man says:
“I went by your grandma’s house and saw her completely naked in the hallway. Man, she’s fine!”
The biker looks at the drunk man and doesn’t say anything. His buddies look confused because people have had their faces kicked in for saying less than that to him in the past.
Leaning against the table once more, the drunk man says: “I got it on with your grandma too. She’s the best I ever had!”
Still no response is received from the biker, however, his buddies are now starting to get angry.
The drunk man continues: “I’ll tell you something else too – your grandma loved it!”
At long last, the biker stands up and says: “Dammit Grandpa, you’re drunk! Just go home!”
Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man.
Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.
The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!"
The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped."
The poor man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
Double the Trouble
A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp tossed in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said: "I feel that you are married. You have 3 wishes woman, but know that anything you ask for your husband will get as well, only double! Sorry but the rules were written at a more primitive time."
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautiful!"
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.
"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for."
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision.
"I want you to scare me half to death!"
How is coffee better than a woman? It goes down way easier.
Will You Stop It?
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
"In front of you?" He asks shyly.
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.
The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”
"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love, Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Now Joe was curious and a bit alarmed, was there a husband who will come back?
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly." she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all." she said, nibbling at his ear.
"Well, who IS he then?" demanded Joe bewildered.
"That's me before the operation." She whispered.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm? A tattoo.
The Hillbilly Maneuver
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallaw?' The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a nakedwoman on his back. "What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks. "I'm a turtle" said the man. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that nakedwoman on your back?" Replies the host. "Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."
How is a woman like a road? Both have manholes.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish." Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator? Two flies in a bottle.
What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? Single.
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of my hand.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gives her one.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
A man and a woman were traveling in a train. Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. " Man: "Oh really? Are you single?" Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.. He’ll be born in March.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
3 Village Women
It was 1832, and three women of different ages were walking back to their small farming village. They were carrying their shopping from the market from the next town.
As they draw nearer to their village, they turn a bend in the road and suddenly hear a mumble from what they thought was a pile of mud. They cautiously moved closer to the sound, and in the golden light of the setting sun, they saw that indeed it was a mud puddle, but with a naked man lying face down in the puddle, with his head just out of it.
"Could be someone from the village." Said the first woman.
"We should check and help them back, they could freeze when night comes." Said the second woman.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell.
"Turn him over." Said the third, older woman matter-of-factly.
The other two use their feet to gingerly turn the man over. Then let their eyes go downwards.
"Well," said the first woman dryly, "He's not my husband, that's for sure."
The second woman looks over her shoulder and says: "Yep, that's not your husband."
The third woman takes a closer look and straightens with a curse.
"Don't worry girls, he's not even from our village."
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming, Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope, Not a clue", she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!'
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat..."
A man came home early from work one day, only to hear some strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he said.
"I'm having a heart attack," cried his wife.
So the man rushed downstairs to grab the phone. But, just as he was about to start dialing, his four-year-old son came up to him and announced:
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe!
AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
The man slammed the phone down and stormed back upstairs into his bedroom, past his moaning wife. Then he ripped open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You jerk!" Yelled the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
A Woman of Good Reason
A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked.
"Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
“Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
“Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: What are you looking at? Woman: Somethin ugly!
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you! Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?" Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
The Beautiful Lion Tamer
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two young people showed up. One was a good looking guy in his twenties and the other was a gorgeous Brunette about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer. So, you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl boldly said, "I'll go first."
She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her, so she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissing them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He remarked, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replied the young man, "just get that lion out of the way.
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, which wasn't very good at all.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining."
Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive."
Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "For heaven's sake, child, what on Earth for?"
"Well, it comes in very handy.
For example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a damn,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Anette.
The Wrong Kind of Wish
A huge muscular man with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The Bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it is really phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously answered this question many times.
"One day", he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to the stream. So i picked up the frog and it said,
'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, nakedwoman. She said -
'You now have 3 wishes.'
I looked at my scrawny 60kg body and said,
'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.'
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She asked,
'What will be your second wish?'
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'
She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish, what will it be?'
I looked at her and replied,
'How 'bout a little head?'
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail She was charged with treeson
And That's When the Fight Started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a gas station.
That's when the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." as she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started...
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And that's when the fight started...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you RUNNING?"
And that's when the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
An angry woman with two kids enters Walmart, shouting angrily at the children and at anyone who crosses her path.
The greeter at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
"Shut the F up." Grunts the woman.
Unperturbed, he says: "Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting just enough to say, "Hell, they’re not twins! The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"Neither. It's just hard to believe someone slept with you twice."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
"OK!" AWESOME!" the man says happily.
"GOOD... now get your own darn blanket!" came the reply.
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After they are done the Italian sits back pleased.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?” After a slight pause.
She replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So….....please.... you FINISH?”
“No no, I’m Swedish!” Says the blonde.
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??
"Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!
"Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete.
"She never got your E-mail!"
This bachelor goes into a bar and notices a major hottie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, the bachelor couldn't achieve any progress with her. "No thank you," she would always say."
The man was determined, this cutie was worth giving up the game. They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities!
At the end of the night he finally caved. "Why won't you come home with me?" he whined to her. The woman said: "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"Wow, that must be rather difficult." the bachelor said.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it? Flipper off!
The Unexpected Guest
A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en-route home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man!
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head in amazement, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replied, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'
A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.
"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"
The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement.
She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.
The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"
"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men - are always MEN!
A woman was having an affair. One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband"s car pull into the driveway.
Woman: "OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window".
Lover: It"s raining out there!"
Woman: "If my husband catches us, he"ll kill us!"
The lover jumps out of the window. As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town"s marathon. He started running alongwith the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked".
"Oh yes!" he replied. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner: "Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" Lover answered. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!"
3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope..just when it"s raining."
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied: "Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said: "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied: "It's the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: "You have one more wish, what will you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful - the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen - so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??"
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a nakedwoman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor? A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
The Emergency Situation
A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Well, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.
A young couple gets married and go on their honeymoon, the following morning the bride walks out of the shower, naked.
The husband says, “Stop.” Grabs his camera and takes a quick photo. She asks him why he took a photo when he can see her naked anytime?
He says, “So I can carry it in my wallet, close to my heart.” She smiles.
He goes to have his shower, as he comes out and she is waiting with the camera and takes his photo.
He says, “is that so you can carry my picture with you always?”
“No, it’s so I can have it enlarged.”
Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.
The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."
A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."
The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.
"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."
This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.
"See! I told you I was right," the woman said.
But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.
"Help me, Lord," the woman implored.
And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"
The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"
"Okay, okay," they said. "But it's still three against two."
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table.
She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sighs. Sends her another note, and leaves.
The waiter brings her the note. It read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW i8, and a Mercedes AMG GTS in my garage, plus I have over 20 million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my member. Just send the wine back."
Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!”
“You're on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door.
Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Evelyn.
“I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'...”
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with quiet wisdom, she said, 'Good trade.'
A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."
His wife thought it was a bit strange but also kinda kinky, so she agreed.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband.
The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A 200mph Wedding Day
A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.
"I'll make you a deal," said the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous wife.
As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.
With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said.
Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
A young virgin couple is finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"Now what do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
I've lived a few years in my home, and the pretty neighbour next door and I always flirted with each other, despite her being married.
One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg..."
At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.
"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."
The husband accepted the offer gladly.
I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me. But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.
The neighbor, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, with my brush on the wall, painting.
Screaming, he shouts at me:
"What the heck is this? You started painting in my bedroom, and NAKED?"
"Hey buddy, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!"
"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?"
"And with a boner, you bastard?"
"And just where am I going to hang the darn bucket!?!"
The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.
The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
"I'll have it ENLARGED."
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a womannaked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh... he is breast fed!" replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
After a few minutes of this, the doctor motions to her to get dressed, then he says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman responds with a wry grin, "Well of course I don't."
"Why is that?" Asks the doctor in surprise.
"Well, I'm his aunt, but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in today!"
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
"It appears that you've got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there," pointed the amused American.
"Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!" Declared the Irishman.
A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''
The other man looks at him and says,''But... you're naked.''
The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and shouts, ''Them little bastards!''