What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Your good seed for the day.
I’ll never leaf you.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Have you botany plants lately?
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Let me plant one on ya!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I’m kind of a big dill.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
That’s a bit mulch.
Leaf me alone.
You’re unbeleafable.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I beg your garden?
Don’t moss around.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Your good weed for the day.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
I beg your garden?