The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
That’s a bit mulch.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Don’t moss around.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Do you need some encourage-mint?
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
All things must grass.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Your good seed for the day.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I beg your garden?
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Seed between the lines.
I’m kind of a big dill.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Let me plant one on ya!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
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