What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Do you need some encourage-mint?
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Have you botany plants lately?
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Go to BabaMail
