A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please." "Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?" He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..." "Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Don’t moss around.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend? He had a long honeydew list.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes? Because they were too corny!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I’ll never leaf you.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed? Shedimentary.
I beg your garden?
I beg your garden?
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening It's about Thyme.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick? It was looking very green.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies? Because they're plot devices.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden? Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Your good weed for the day.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly? He was running a huge pansy scheme.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.