Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Your good seed for the day.
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