What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Your good weed for the day.
Don’t moss around.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
You’re unbeleafable.
One trick peony.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I’m very frond of you.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
In the eyes of the lawn.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Long thyme no see.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
We’re mint to be.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Seed between the lines.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Trowel and error.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.