I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Don’t moss around.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I’m very frond of you.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
It’s party thyme.
Ants in your plants.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
In on the ground flora.
Leaf me alone.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
One more thyme.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
I’ll never leaf you.
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