How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Leaf me alone.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
All clover the world.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
That’s a bit mulch.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I beg your garden?
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
We’re mint to be.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Your good weed for the day.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
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