Local Jokes

The Retiring Rabbi
The Retiring Rabbi A rabbi is planning on retiring from his main occupation, which is giving circumcisions. Over the years he's saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he's taken part in. He looks at them and decides to take them to the local leatherworker to see if something can be made of them. The rabbi explains that he'd like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees and tells the rabbi to come back in a couple weeks. A couple weeks later the rabbi comes back and the leatherworker hands him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?!?" The rabbi exclaims. The leatherworker replies, "Don't fret, if you rub it a bit it becomes a suitcase."
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
An Unexpected Invitation
An Unexpected Invitation Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild se* at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?" Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
The Nun and the Fig Leaf
The Nun and the Fig Leaf A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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