Local

Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
An Unexpected Invitation
An Unexpected Invitation Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild se* at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?" Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
The Nun and the Fig Leaf
The Nun and the Fig Leaf A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.



A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.