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Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.

She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"

I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
The Barman and the Jackass
The Barman and the Jackass I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in. The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down. Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer. A little later, the bartender yelled, “Hey Jackass! You want a menu?” The man said “No.” After a few more beers, the bartender said, “Hey Jackass! That will be $24.50.” The man paid and started to get up. I stopped him and asked, “Why does he keep calling you Jackass?” The man looked at me, smiled and said, “ Oh…. Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Halways calls me that.”
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
The other day my dad was making pea soup and cutting up onions
I started to cry because Onions was a good dog.