A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade
“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?” a little girl calls to him.
The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.
“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”
The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”
The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”
The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!”
The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”
“Homemade brownies, 50 cents!”
The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.”
The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”
“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”
“Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate.
Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?”
She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”
“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!”
The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.
Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window. He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man.
"Well, can you read?"
"No."
"Can you write?"
"No."
"Can you at least add or subtract?"
"Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!"
"Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him a coin.
The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars.
Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that." says the man.
"Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter.
"I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?"
The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Imagine where you'd be if you could!"
"Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."
A man lost his hand in a war and goes to a shop to purchase a prosthetic hand.
He enters the shop and explains his situation, the salesman directs him to their selection and picks up the first prosthetic hand.
"This is one of our highest quality prosthetic hands, will feel as close to having the touch in your fingers as you were prior the incident. It costs $1,500".
"No thank you, that is too expensive for me.", says the war vet, "Do you have anything cheaper?"
The man nods his head and picks up the next prosthetic hand. "This one is almost as good as the other one, it has received multiple high reviews from our customers. It costs $900".
Again the man argues, "No thank you, that is too expensive still, do you have anything else?".
The salesman nods his head and picks up the last prosthetic arm on the rack.
"This is our cheapest prosthetic arm, it costs $650, however we only have it in a green color".
The vet again responds, "No thank you, that is still too expensive and I despise the color green."
The salesman, out of options, tells the man, "Across the road there is an old man close to death selling his prosthetic hand, from the old man you can go and buy your third hand second hand first hand".
The church in my town fell on hard times recently.
There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local florist comes to the church in a huff.
"Please," he begs of the friars, "you must stop selling flowers! Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God, so nobody comes to my business! I'll be ruined if you keep this up."
"We're sorry," the friars tell him, "but the doors of Hod's temple must remain open, and for that we need money." Tony leaves the church, even more upset.
He goes to his neighbors asking if they'll help him boycott, but they're all too afraid to speak out. lawyer, seeing if he can solve this legally, but the lawyer won't dare try and sue the church. He even goes to the governor, but he gets told the Church isn't doing anything wrong.
The week rolls by, and the friars grow more successful as Tony gets closer to broke. Finally, in desperation, he hires the meanest, maddest, most nasty man in town, Hue, and sends him after the friars.
Hue scares all the friars, smashes all their tables, rips up the garden beds, and even pisses all over the remaining flowers. The next day, the Friars are no longer selling flowers, and Tony is back in business. In the end, it seems the saying is true:
Hue and only Hue can prevent florist friars.
How cold IS IT?
It's so cold THAT...
The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
You have to break the smoke off your chimney.
You have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
Police tell a robber to freeze, and he really does.
Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
People look forward to getting a fever
Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins
Lady Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Prisoners are begging for the electric chair.
Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker!
A streaker froze in mid-streak!
I chipped my tooth on my soup.
Dunkin' Donuts is serving coffee on a stick.
The local flasher was seen describing himself to three different women this morning.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
I'm drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Ice cubes are coming out of my faucet.
Trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Cops are tasing themselves.
I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
The ice cubes in my drink have goose bumps.
When all is said and done, I'm really thankful for the HOT FLASHES!
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says, "Fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames."
The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife sleeping with his brother.
The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing.
"That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit." says the devil.
"So be it." says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.
"Now I want to call home," says the Russian, and grabs the receiver. He hears his neighbors robbing his house and hangs up in disgust.
"How many years is that?" he asks the devil.
"None." Says the devil.
"How dare you? shouts the Russian, "You took a thousand agonizing years off that Frenchie and the Italiano, what’s wrong? Is my pain not good enough for you?"
"No, no," says the devil, "it's just that local calls are free."
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?" The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it near the piano. It climbed onto the bench and began playing music.
The bartender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said, "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?" The bartender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.
The bartender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bartender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singer now!"
The owner laughed and said, "Don't worry, the rat is a ventriloquist."
As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the fisherman.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the fisherman.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"
Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was a known skinflint and hated spending money.
One day a fair came to the nearby town.
"Let’s go to the fair, Matt,” his wife said, “We haven’t been anywhere for a long time.”
Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, “all right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything.”
They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small, old looking airplane.
"Fun flight!” the notice said, “$20 for 10 minutes.”
Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well.
"I’ve only got $20,” he told the pilot. “Can my wife come with me for free?”
The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets. So he said, “I'll make a bargain with you. If both of you can hold from screaming or shouting the whole flight, you won't have to pay for her.”
Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.
The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things, up and down and all around, tricks, fast turns, everything he could to scare them. But they never uttered a word.
Eventually, the pilot said, “O.K., we'll land now. None of you made a sound so your can have her ride for free.”
"Thank you,” Matt said. “Wasn’t easy, especially when she fell out.”
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
A young man goes into a liquor store and approaches the shop owner.
Customer: "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"
Shop owner: "Sure, son, go ahead."
Customer: "Why are you selling the Jack Daniels at thirty dollars per bottle?"
Shop owner: "And why shouldn't I, exactly?"
Customer: "But the owner of the shop across the street sells it at twenty dollars per bottle."
Shop owner: "Well, if you don't like it, why don't you go and buy there?"
Customer: "Well, because right now, they don't have any Jack Daniels."
"I assure you young man," said the shop owner, "once I run out of Jack Daniels, I'll be selling it at fifteen dollars per bottle!"
Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.
Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.
"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door.”
“Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shop." she answers.
"Frauline, don’t gif me that! You know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze bloody grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently.
"Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is broken. It does not vork!" she says.
“Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks.
"Colonel, ze pendulum only svings von vay, ze bloody thing only goes TICK, TICK, TICK and it cannot go TOCK." she answers.
He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays of making it TOCK!"
A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce.
"You can't buy just half a head, we sell them whole." says the employee.
The customer responds "Go get your manager, and I'll ask him."
So the employee goes to his manager and says "Some a$*hole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head..." when he realizes the customer is right behind him. However, he immediately turns and without missing a beat, he gestures: "and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half!"
After the customer leaves, the manager says "That was pretty quick thinking, tell me about yourself. Where are you from?"
The kid says "I'm from Brazil."
"So why didn't you stay there? Isn't it a beautiful country?"
"Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts." Said he kid.
"My wife is from Brazil!" growls the manager in sudden anger.
"Really?" Asks the kid without losing a beat, "What team does she play for?"
A 16 year old teen comes home with a Porsche.
His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his Father. “I know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be mentally ill! Who knows what she will do next? Paul, you go right up there and see what’s going on. And you my son should be ashamed of taking advantage!”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and asked her what happened.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet."
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
"Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover sighs. "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest sighs, "Please don't you start that again."
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?"
"Well, it went like this. First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"So let me get this straight." Said the astounded manager. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Friend, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
Three friends go on a hike in a forest. One is a professor, one a CEO, and one a janitor. Suddenly, they encounter a glowing ball of light that resolves itself into a beautiful fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you humans what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day. You will be given all the resources you need.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The CEO says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze.” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He uses the facility to create a huge art exhibit in which he glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, telling the story behind it, then sells it for a million dollars.
After the day way done, the fairy congratulates the janitor.
"But how come you could do all that?" She asks him curiously.
The janitor shrugged. “I have a masters degree in art.”
Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: "So, how's your home life?"
The other answers: "Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!"
The other guy looks at him astonished: "An elephant? Have you gone mad?"
The guy replies, smiling: "Oh, my friend, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!"
The other billionaire scratches his chin. "Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?"
The guy replies: "A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price."
The other billionaire says: "Sell him to me for two million?"
The first billionaire: "No, what are you saying? Sell him? He's like family!"
"Three million!"
"I don't know, my dear... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!"
"Alright, five million!"
"Five million?.. Well, alright my man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're bosom buddies".
In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:
"What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, the worst purchase in my life!"
The other billionaire shakes his head at him and says:
"Well, my friend, I don't know what to say, you'll never sell an elephant with that attitude. "
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud.
The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison...
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:
"Sure, but why don't you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow?!?"
Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "I am."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds"
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson's
disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-"
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "yea, but why-"
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?"
"We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."
It was 1855 and two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch after their folks pass away.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the local bank from taking their ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll send you a telegram to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?"
The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it out slowly."
A country boy who lived his whole life in the village gets permission on his 16th birthday to go visit his older sister in New York.
What the family doesn't know is that the daughter is a "working girl" and she was really scared that her brother, coming to stay with her, will figure it out.
So when he comes over and asks her what she does, she said: "Oh, this is New York, I sell hotdogs."
"Oh WOW!" Her brother said excitedly. "I LOVE hotdogs and I heard New York has the best, can I come with you tomorrow to work and get a free one? Please??"
The sister, appalled, said she would be ever so busy, and she was sorry but no. She'll bring him some when she comes back.
Her brother, a little sullen at the news, hatched a plan.
When the sister left the following afternoon, he walked behind her, following her until she came to a big house and disappeared inside.
It seemed a bit of a weird place for her work but he followed her in, and there was greeted by a beautiful woman, wearing very little.
"Hi there handsome," she purred at him. "Come to satisfy your "appetite"?
"I sure did!" Said the boy enthusiastically.
"Wonderful," smiled the woman, "how do you like it? Standing up or lying down?"
"Well," said the boy, "I'd rather have it in a bun."
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
com-for-da-bull."
One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir?
We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95."
The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers:
"Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
"The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications.
He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"
A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: "Why the long face?"
The salesman replied: "I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure."
"Why is that?" Asked the friend, "I thought you had a good campaign running."
"Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem - I didn't speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion, he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing them."
"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"It should have." Sighed the salesman. "Only no one told me they read from right to left..."
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
A duck goes into a store and waddles up to the manager.
He asks him if he sells duck food. The shopkeeper tells him no. The duck then leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks the same question again. The shopkeeper tells him, testily, that the store still doesn’t sell duck food. The duck leaves.
The following day the duck returns again and asks the same question. The shopkeeper is getting pissed off, so says no and warns the duck if he asks one more time, he will staple the duck’s feet to the floor.
The next day the duck goes back into the store. He waddles up to the (now red faced) shopkeeper and asks ‘Do you sell staples?’
'No'. The puzzled shopkeeper says.
'Great.' Says the duck. 'Do you sell duck food?’
This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.
The next day he was in the shower when he heard the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He ignored it and went to work, but while in the elevator going up to his office, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
Later that day, while he was in a meeting, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." On the car ride home, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." In bed trying to sleep, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
The next day was worse. He started hearing the voice every hour on the hour. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He didn't tell anyone, because he didn't want anyone to think he was crazy. He tried to ignore it, but the voice was persistent... "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
The next day, he was hearing the voice over and over and over again. It was louder than ever. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Finally, the guy snaps. "Darn it!"
He goes up to his boss, tells him he quits, then walks out. He goes home and contacts a realtor, and sells the house the next day. He packs up the cash in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket, and flies to Vegas.
After he walks out of the airport and says, "Alright, now what?" "Go to Caesar's Palace."
The guy hails a taxi and immediately goes to Caesar's Palace. As soon as he walks into the front door, he hears the voice again. "Go to the roulette table."
The guy goes to the nearest roulette table. "Put it all on red 21."
The guy takes all of his money and puts it on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel, and the ball goes round and round, and finally lands... on black 35.
"DAMMIT!" Said the voice.
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SOCIALISM
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck!
The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “Genie, I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genie's fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly. “You have one wish left.” he thundered.
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “This cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered...
“I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked.
"Because that's a microwave."
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
2. Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
3. Brooke Shields: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
4. Paris Hilton: "What's Walmart, do they sell, like, wall stuff?"
5. Jessica Simpson: "Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says Chicken by the Sea."
6. Britney Spears: "I get to go overseas places, like Canada."
7. Britney Spears again: "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."
8. George W. Bush: "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
9. Alicia Silverstone: "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
10. Victoria Beckham: "I don't know much about football. I know what a goal is, which is surely the main thing about football."
11. David Beckham: "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
12. Axl Rose: "It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people."
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