Stock Jokes

Writing in Blonde
Writing in Blonde It was 1855 and two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch after their folks pass away. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the local bank from taking their ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll send you a telegram to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it out slowly."
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.

Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"

Grandmother: "Where?"

Dad: "The stock market."

He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
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