What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician? When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
The Barman and the Jackass
I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in.
The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down.
Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer.
A little later, the bartender yelled, “Hey Jackass! You want a menu?” The man said “No.”
After a few more beers, the bartender said, “Hey Jackass! That will be $24.50.” The man paid and started to get up.
I stopped him and asked, “Why does he keep calling you Jackass?”
The man looked at me, smiled and said, “ Oh…. Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Halways calls me that.”
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing! Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
The Big City Lawyer and the Prize Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."