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What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
The Barman and the Jackass
The Barman and the Jackass I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in. The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down. Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer. A little later, the bartender yelled, “Hey Jackass! You want a menu?” The man said “No.” After a few more beers, the bartender said, “Hey Jackass! That will be $24.50.” The man paid and started to get up. I stopped him and asked, “Why does he keep calling you Jackass?” The man looked at me, smiled and said, “ Oh…. Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Halways calls me that.”
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.” A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.” A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing okay.” The other guy says, “things are great, the bartender helped me.” Psychiatrist, “the bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?” The other guy says, “he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
A Case of Defamation
A Case of Defamation A woman was sued by a man for defamation of character. He charged that she had called him a pig. She was found guilty and fined. After the trial, she asked the judge: "Does this mean I cannot call Mr. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mr. Johnson?" asked the woman. The judge replied that she could indeed call a pig Mr. Johnson with no fear of being charged with a crime. The woman turned, looked directly at Mr. Johnson, and said, "Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson."
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.