Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.