When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
All farts...are laughing gas.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
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