Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
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