I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
All farts...are laughing gas.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
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