To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
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